


Hold On I Still Need You

by SHFanFics



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:34:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23732422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SHFanFics/pseuds/SHFanFics
Summary: After the events of Season 6, Clarke starts to become detached. Bellamy is the only one who picks up on this, he just can’t get the image that Madi described out of his head, Clarke with a gun to her head. Their relationship is doing better but they’re still not what they were. Clarke can’t get it out of her head that they’d all be better off without her. When she’s around death follows.OrA fic dealing with Clarke’s suicidal thoughts and self loathing. In which Clarke is not okay and Bellamy must be the one to help her through it. (The Octavia storyline didn’t happen in this).
Relationships: Abby Griffin & Clarke Griffin, Becho - Relationship, Bellamy Blake & Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake & Madi, Bellamy Blake & Octavia Blake, Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake/Echo, Bellamy Blake/John Murphy, Bellamy Blake/Raven Reyes, Bellarke - Relationship, Clarke Griffin & Madi, Clarke Griffin/John Murphy, Clarke Griffin/Raven Reyes, Emori/John Murphy (The 100), Octavia Blake & Clarke Griffin
Comments: 81
Kudos: 258





	1. The End Of The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys this is my first fic please lmk what you think!

Clarke’s Pov

It was over. Another world destroyed, war fought, more people killed. Her heart cracked at the thoughts reeling through her head. Monty’s dying wish was for them to do better, for _her_ to do better, and she’d failed him once again. What hurt the most though was that she tried, she really wanted to do better this time and she couldn’t. Maybe she just wasn’t capable of it, from what she’d seen in the past years, all that followed in her footsteps was death. 

Clarke let the silent tears stream down her cheeks in the dark as she lay on side faced away from her daughter. She didn’t deserve Madi, no, Madi didn’t deserve her. Madi was pure, kind, joyful and passionate, she didn’t deserve to be tainted by Clarke’s trail of death. Those six years on the ground, Madi was a child and she needed someone to raise her, teach her right from wrong, comfort her when the nightmares came and laugh with her when they sat around the fire. 

At the time, Clarke had been the only option, the only other person on Earth, but they weren’t alone anymore and as much as she loved the girl as her own, their were much better people to guide and to love her now. Before she found Madi, Clarke was lost and ready to end her fight but the child gave her life meaning, gave it purpose. If she couldn’t live for herself then she’d live for the young natblida who had no one else. She’d keep going so Madi would never have to know the pain of being left behind. A pain that Clarke herself had been all too familiar with.

It wasn’t that she blamed them, _him_ , for leaving. It was really quite the opposite actually, she’d been proud of him, he made the right choice but knowing that never really numbed the pain. Bellamy Blake. Her always, her friend, her partner, was no longer her anything really. And she couldn’t lie to herself saying she was fine watching him and Echo getting all cozy. Just the thought of it made her heart hurt.

It had been a crazy few weeks. After the fight was over and the primes defeated, they’d decided it would be best for their people to build their own complex far away from Sanctum. After the fall of the primes, Gabriel had temporarily taken over for his people as they hurt from not only the loss of friends and family but all they’d ever known. Gabriel made it clear that they were welcome to stay in Sanctum but none of them were comfortable with the idea. Even if Gabriel was able to convince the people not to hate them, seeing their faces everyday would just serve as a reminder to the pain they caused there. 

They stayed a couple nights in Sanctum making plans for a new complex while they got everything in order. Raven designed plans for a radiation shield and teams were sent down to start construction. Bellamy, Echo and Raven had taken the lead in planing for their new home. Clarke wasn’t even offered a spot on their team, nothing more than a pitying and slightly apologetic glance from Bellamy. It was fine, she wouldn’t have accepted anyways, Clarke knew her time of leading her people was over and that was for the better. 

She slowly sat up being careful to stay as quiet as she could as she glanced at Madi sleeping soundly next to her. She let a sad smile cover her face momentarily but quickly wiped it away covering Madi with the rest of the blanket as she stirred slightly in her sleep. She tip toed out of the small wooden cabin that was assembled by one of Bellamy’s teams who built all the housing units. The night sky was a beautiful sight, but looking up and seeing the stars, she couldn’t help but thinking about space, the ark, her mother. She let her back hit the outside wall of the cabin as her body sunk towards the floor her head buried in her arms. 

She was sobbing now, mostly silent cries but occasionally she’d slip up and let a small wail. She’d thought about it before but it was hitting her hard now. Everyone she loved was gone. Her father killed on the ark. Her mother killed by Clarke herself. Madi no longer needed her, she had Gaia and the others. And _him_ , Bellamy Blake, in her sights again after six long years and somehow farther than he’s ever been. They didn’t talk anymore, he seemed to have forgotten she existed. Just a couple weeks ago he saved her life, after the fight was finished, he held her tight in his arms once again. She felt like she could finally breathe again, she thought they were going back to normal. She thought wrong. That was the last time he touched her.

She stood up wiping her eyes deciding she might as well make herself useful. She made her way to the infirmary cabin that had been finished being built just a couple days prior. Clarke and Jackson were the only trained medics left and so they were lacking in man power. Luckily not too many injuries had occurred since their journey to their new complex. The inside of the cabin was a mess as construction had just finished and no had really been inside since. Clarke began with the makeshift shelves the team had built, organizing and inventorying the generous medical supplies the people of Sanctum had given them. She let out a deep sigh trying not to think of her mother.

It was late, sometime between sundown and sunrise, but Clarke hadn’t gone to sleep so she wasn’t exactly tired. In fact, she couldn’t remember the last time she slept more than a couple hours at a time. She shut her eyes for a moment just enjoying the silence that the empty cabin provided her with. Her eyes shot open when the silence was filled with a voice in her head, her mother’s voice. It was cold and vicious sounding, over a radio, it was telling her what had been lingering in her mind for many years. 

“They’d be better off without you. They die because of you. Just kill yourself Clarke. Do it.” She hadn’t had much time since the red sun eclipse to think but now that the fight was over and she did, her mom’s voice telling her to end her life was all she could hear. It was getting harder to ignore that voice. She shook off the thought and brought her attention back to the medical supplies she’d been reviewing.

Clarke continued to work through the night until the exhaustion finally hit her and she passed out sitting on the ground while sorting some bottles of meds. 

______________________________________________

Bellamy’s Pov

Bellamy awoke with a start when he heard a knock at his cabin door. He opened his eyes and slowly untangled himself from Echo and their sheets. His head pounded from drinking again last night and he moved with little urgency. It wasn’t pitch black but he could tell the sun had come up pretty recently. He began climbing out of bed when he heard the knock again, louder and more urgently. What the hell could someone want this early in the morning he wondered as he pulled on a shirt and moved towards the door. He yanked it open and was confused when no one met his eye line but moved his gaze down to meet a worried pair of eyes. 

It was Madi, tears welling in her eyes, looking anxious. His heart dropped a little worried for the girl in front of him. “Bellamy please I don’t know what to do- she was there but- she’s not - i - where did she - “ 

He cut off her ramblings when he crouched to her height putting his hands on her shoulders. “Hey hey,” he said looking her in the eyes. “Just breathe, then you can tell me what’s wrong okay?” He asked. She took a deep breath and gave him an understanding nod. “Good,” he said, “now what’s wrong Madi?” He continued. It was early and he was still somewhat dazy but he was definitely awake enough to be wondering why she’d come here and not gone to Clarke if something was wrong.

“It’s Clarke,” she began and his heart rate doubled. At once he was wide awake and his mind seemed to be asking a million questions. What happened to Clarke? Is she okay? What if she’s hurt? What if she ran away? She wouldn’t do that would she? His seemingly endless line of thoughts was put on pause when Madi continued. 

“She was there when I went to sleep but she was gone when I woke up and I waited an hour and she’s still not back. I didn’t know who else to come to, I’m sorry.” At this his heart rate slowed a little, she was probably fine just went off on her own for a bit. That was what he was trying to convince himself because the other scenarios in his head weren’t as pretty. He looked back at Echo still sound asleep and then back to Madi again. 

“Hey don’t apologize, I’m sure Clarke is fine Madi. I want you to go back to your cabin and when I find her I’ll send her back your way. Don’t stress it’s alright.” He gave her a reassuring smile and although she wasn’t completely okay, he could tell it lifted a small bit of her anxiety. She returned his smile with a sad one and made her way back to the cabin. Bellamy pulled out his jacket and walked outside deciding to make his way towards the gardens as she could’ve gone early morning berry picking. When he reached the garden and saw nothing his nerves began to crawl out.

He decided to try the infirmary next in case she was in there. He reached for the door and pushed it open and the sight before his eyes had his heart drop to his stomach. Clarke Griffin, his Clarke Griffin, passed out on the floor with a bottle of pills in her hand. His heart rate doubled as he fell to his knees at her side in seconds about to look for a pulse when a memory hit him. 

It was just after they’d made the move to their new complex when Madi knocked on his door looking like she was carrying the weight of the world. He let her in and they began to talk as she fumbled nervously with her hands. She’d told him about the ship and what happened while he was on the ground. The battle with the dark commander in her head and Russel and the other primes. Bellamy didn’t quite get what the purpose was, he’d already been filled in on everything but he listened anyways. That’s when he heard something that made him want to break down. She told him about Clarke needing to snap Madi out of her trance, she told him how she did it with a gun to her head, looking ready to pull the trigger. Bellamy was in shock, he knew Clarke was hurting but was it really that bad or was she just doing it to snap Madi out of the dark commander’s clutches? He’d managed to convince himself of the latter because the former was just so out of the question and he knew he couldn’t live with himself if it was true so he chose not to believe it. 

But right here, right now, with Clarke laying at his feet with a bottle of pills, he couldn’t believe his eyes. He reached to her neck for a pulse when all of a sudden her eyes shot open and she sat up. She looked at Bellamy and at the position she was in and it seemed to hit her as her eyes widened slightly. Tears welled in her eyes and he couldn’t bare the sight.

“Clarke I-“ he started but he didn’t get to finish his sentence as she quickly stormed out of the small cabin. His heart broke a thousands times watching her walk out that door. He felt a weird mix of relief that she wasn’t, you know, and sadness and fear for what had become of them. Where did everything go wrong? He thought to himself but the better question would’ve been to ask when had anything had ever gone right for them? They were always destined for pain and suffering but maybe she was suffering more than he understood.


	2. When The World Begins to Crumble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys this is chapter two it focuses a lot on what’s going on inside their heads but more action to come soon! Thanks for all the reviews and keep letting me know what you think in the comments below I really appreciate it! Enjoy!

Bellamy’s Pov

It had been an hour or so of Bellamy sitting on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. Echo had gone out with one of the hunting parties shortly after he returned in the morning and therefore he had the place to himself for a while. He was stressed, sad but mostly just angry. It wasn’t anger directed at Clarke or himself just at the world for being so cruel. Okay fine, maybe a little was directed at himself too.

He’d been sitting there for a while contemplating what he should do. He was considering going over to apologize to Clarke but he knew he didn’t have anything to apologize for, not directly anyway. That wasn’t true, he could apologize for leaving her many years ago, he could apologize for putting the flame in Madi, he could apologize for letting himself almost lose her again when the primes tried to kill her or he could apologize for ruining the relationship they once had over the past few weeks. 

So there was his first issue, he had everything to be sorry for but none of those apologizes felt right for the time. Technically he hadn’t done anything wrong this morning but he showed concern for her and she ran. Had he really been so stupid to let it get to a point where she couldn’t even be in the same room as him. He knew things weren’t what they used to be but Clarke and him were still friends weren’t they? 

He tried to think back and remember the last time they talked. It frightened him that what would’ve once been such menial task for him had now become something he really had to think about. It was around a week after they’d moved into the complex, he remembered. That would’ve made it around three weeks ago seeing as they’d been there about a month. It wasn’t some deep or meaningful conversation, it was just some small thing, an update on the infirmary plans and where her cabin was being built. 

After that he found himself drifting further from her than he ever has before. Even while they had millions of miles between them, while he thought he left her to die alone on an irradiated planet, he felt closer to her then he did now. Any updates about medical he gave to Jackson from then on and asked him to pass it on. He couldn’t say exactly what happened, they seemed to be doing better when they came to Sanctum but after everything maybe their relationship had just taken all it could handle. His heart hurt with the thought that maybe they were done for good this time, maybe their was no finding their way back to each other like they once would’ve.

Together had always been their promise but I guess some promises were just meant to be broken, he thought.

Bellamy stood up deciding enough was enough, he wasn’t gonna sit here throwing himself a pity party any longer. Echo would be back soon and he had stuff to do before then. He made his way out of the small cabin and took in the sight in front of him. People, once at war and now neighbours, moving in and out of buildings. Tending to gardens, building new cabins, chatting amongst themselves. They’d promised Monty they’d do better and maybe this was their chance, they were no longer just surviving but they were truly living. Well, most of them at least. 

He made his way to the headquarters they’d established in their earlier times here, deliberately taking the long route to go around the infirmary cabin. He wasn’t ready to see her yet and he doubted she wanted anything to do with him. Bellamy knew he’d have to run into her eventually but every time he thought of her he saw Clarke with a gun to her head, Clarke with a bottle of pills on the ground, and his heart dropped. Of all things really, he was just scared.

On his way over he pulled out his metal flask and took a large sip of the liquid inside. It burned his throat going down but it was worth it to numb the pain he felt. He walked with purpose taking big strides and not really paying attention to where he was going. You could imagine his surprise when he collided with something, no someone. In the split second before he looked up, one thing played on repeat in his head like a broken record, please don’t be her.

He looked up to his eyes meeting a pair of hazel brown ones instead of the ocean blue ones he used to love. “Hey Bell watch where you’re going.” Octavia gave a little laugh. He gave her a soft smile, it didn’t meet his eyes.

“O, hey sorry I was distracted.” 

“I could tell” she gave him a somewhat worried look. “Where are you in such a hurry to?” She inquired.

“Just on the way to head quarters to see if I can make myself useful.” He told her. 

“Oh well come on then I’ll walk with you, I was heading over to see Raven anyways. Something about building some new tech she wanted help with.” She smiled as they continued their walk. They walked the rest of the way in a comfortable silence, it was somewhat refreshing for Bellamy. 

When they arrived at headquarters, Murphy, Emori, Raven and Echo were already there. They all said their hellos but dispersed pretty quickly, Raven pulling Octavia outside and Murphy and Emori saying something about going back to the cabin to “relax”. It was just Echo and him left in the cabin. He walked up to her with a smile snaking his arms behind her lower back and pulling her in for a kiss. His heart wasn’t in it.

She pulled back looking at him with concern, “You’ve been drinking?” She said more than asked. She already knew the answer. He ignored her question.

“So you’re back early. How was the hunt?” He tried to change the subject. 

“Bellamy, don’t ignore me.” She said with a stern glance. 

“Hey look,” he said placing his hand on her cheek rubbing his thumb back and forth soothingly. “I’m fine, just a rough morning.”

“You know you can talk to me right?” She said with a sad smile

“I know, thank you.” He tried to brush her off again but she wasn’t having it.

“Bell I-“ he cut her off with another kiss. 

“Trust me it’s fine, I gotta go but I’ll see you tonight.” He squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. 

“Ya tonight,” she nodded as he turned his back and made his way out of the cabin. 

Bellamy began walking away from headquarters when a strong arm was thrown in front of him. “Raven what do you need?” He asked removing her arm from his chest. 

“Good afternoon to you too asshole.” She said jokingly. “I need you to run down to the market area and get me some more scrap metal for patching the wall.” Bellamy looked annoyed.

“And why can’t you have someone else do it?” He asked incredulously.

“Well you’re not doing anything else are you?” She pointed out. It was true he wasn’t busy but the market was right next to Clarke’s cabin and therefore was not the most ideal place for him to be at the moment. “I’ll take your silence as a no.” Raven smirked.

“Fine but you owe me Reyes.” He smiled back, Raven was family and he couldn’t be mad at her. 

“Keep dreaming Blake!” She called after him when he turned his back and began walking towards the market.

As Bellamy reached the scrap metal deposit he kept eyeing Clarke’s cabin looking for any sign she was home. It was then when he heard the yelling back and forth. Next thing he knew Madi strutted angrily out of the cabin slamming the door behind her. What he heard next sounded like faint weeping coming from the cabin but maybe it was just the wind.  
______________________________________________

Clarke’s Pov  
  
“Madi enough I said no!” Clarke said raising her voice a little. 

“Clarke pleaseeee!!!! It’s not fair do you not trust me?!” Madi yelled back and Clarke took a deep breath.

“Madi you know I trust you but it’s not safe, I just want what’s best for you.” Clarke spoke in a calm manner. 

“So what you get to just disappear in the middle of the night and not worry about how I feel but the second it comes to how you feel I just have to listen?!” Madi screamed back in a fit of rage. Clarke’s face softened with sadness and acceptance because it was never what she wanted but Madi was right. That was exactly what she had done.

“Madi I-“ she tried to explain but was cut off by her daughter’s fit of anger.

“No Clarke, I’m done! I’m going to stay with Gaia for now! She’ll let me go with on the scouting trips!” Madi yelled back and before Clarke even had the chance to argue she’d turned her back, stalked outside and then slammed the cabin door. This was it, she’d failed at the last thing she was any good for, she’d failed Madi, the girl she’d been living for. Now what? Clarke began to weep softly. 

She was weak, everyone she loved either died because of her or knew better then to stick around for too long. Madi was just the last piece of the puzzle falling into place. She wasn’t gonna lie to herself, Clarke saw it coming, it was just a matter of time.

Her sorrows were interrupted by a light knock at her door. She instantly quieted and began to wipe her tears not wanting Madi to see her like this. The knock came again a little louder this time. She got up from the edge of the bed where she’d been sitting and went to open the door mentally preparing an apology. She pulled open the door and began speaking.

“Madi I’m so s-“ she froze dead in her tracks. Her apology was cut short by the realization that the pair of eyes staring back at her did not belong to her daughter but instead to a certain Bellamy Blake. There was a good moment of tense silence where no one said or did anything but hold the others gaze. Bellamy broke the silence.

“Hmph” he cleared his throat with brought his arm to scratch behind his neck. Clarke said nothing. “Um I- I heard yelling then saw Madi storm out. I thought I heard - Clarke are you alright?“ Her heart fluttered when he said her name, she hated that it did that. It was the first time he’d spoken to her for weeks. She wanted to reply but found her mouth dry when she went to speak. “I’m sorry I know it’s not my place to ask, I just” he paused, “after this morning and now this I wanted to check in on you.” 

She didn’t feel right, talking to Bellamy had always come so easy to her but now she felt like someone had sewn her mouth shut and filled her lungs with concrete. She was suffocating inside and no one could see. Clarke let the emotions wash away from her face with a shaky deep breath and put on a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “I’m fine, thank you.” She replied refusing to say his name. 

“Oh okay well, a couple of us are having this bon fire tonight in case you wanna come?” He asked nervously. She gave him another forced smiled and a curt nod. “Thanks for the offer but I have lots of work to do in medical still so I have to pass.” His face fell a little. Was he really expecting her to just say yes? They stood there in silence for another minute.

“C’mon Clarke I’m sure you can take one night off I mean no one’s injured right now?” He argued. Of course he was tying to argue Clarke thought.

“Well you never know when something can happen so,” Clarke shot back.

“Clarke I -“ she cut him off.

“Bellamy thanks for the offer but im unavailable.” She said with a hint of disdain in her voice now. He gave her a nod of understanding.

“If you change your mind the invitations always there.” He said catching her gaze. She felt his eyes bore a hole into her soul, like he truly saw her but she was wrong. No one saw her, she wasn’t needed anymore. He gave her one more sad smile before turning his back and walking away. She shut the door and sat on the floor back against the wall. 

She closed her eyes and she heard it again. The sound she had become all too familiar with. “They’re better off without you Clarke. You know what you have to do. One quick incision and you’ll be saving them all from yourself.” She was scared of that voice but more scared of the fact that she found herself agreeing with it more and more every day.

She waited till the sun began to set for her to make her way outside to the now empty marketplace. Madi hadn’t come back, she was most likely with Gaia. At least she was safe, out of Clarke’s reach. At least she wasn’t putting Madi at risk anymore by having her around. 

Clarke walked towards one of the now abandoned vendor booths and pulled out the small pocket knife she had in her hand. She jammed it into the lock on the shelf and shimmied it around until it opened giving way to bottles upon bottles of good ol’ moonshine. It’s been a long day, first with Bellamy in the morning then Madi and then Bellamy again, she deserved this. She grabbed a couple bottles and walked back to her now eerily quiet cabin.

Over the next two hours Clarke let herself forget. She drowned her sorrows in the alcohol and stopped her tears by numbing the pain. The moonshine let her relax, let her be free for a little but it also inhibited her decision making abilities. That’s how she found herself alone and near black out drunk wandering into a certain bonfire which she wasn’t very welcome at.


	3. Drunken Truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys here’s part three! I hope you enjoy! More to come soon!

Bellamy’s Pov

Bellamy took another long sip from his flask. He wasn’t quite drunk but definitely a little tipsy. He was looking around at the faces around him, the faces of his family with the exception of one person missing. Around him his friends were laughing and joking around, faces illuminated by the light of the dancing flames. It felt good to see them smile and laugh, especially Octavia. She had been healing a lot ever since they came to Sanctum and with that, their relationship also grew strong again.

He sat with his back propped up against a fallen log, hand placed gently on top of Echo’s. He was lucky to have Echo in his life, she made six years in space a lot easier. They shared a deep bond that neither of them ever expected to form. He was shaken from his thoughts by some story Raven had been telling.

“What about that time when Murphy went on hunger strike and refused to eat the algae soup for 2 days!” She said struggling to finish her sentence from laughing too hard. The rest of the group erupted into cheers and laughter. 

“Alright alright,” Murphy said throwing his hands up in defence with a smirk. “I mean could you blame me that stuff was disgusting!” He joked before dropping his arm back around Emori’s shoulders. The group continued their conversation when Raven stood up and excused herself to go grab some more fire wood. Bellamy watched as she disappeared into the wooded area. 

Raven had been gone about three minutes when he heard the yelling. It wasn’t screams of fear but screams of anger. He told the rest of the group to stay put and that he’d go check it out. Of course Echo ignored his wishes and followed him anyways. She was stubborn and sometimes it got on his nerves. 

They walked in the direction of the raised voices to find a sight he least expected. Bellamy expected Raven to be lecturing some dumb kid trying to steal fire wood from the stock pile. What he didn’t expect was to see her yelling at a very determined looking Clarke Griffin.

“What’re you doing here Clarke? You’re not welcome here.” Raven spat with venom in her words. Clarke’s gazed shifted to Bellamy and Raven looked towards him confused laced in her brow. The two girls just looked at him expectantly. After a somewhat awkward moment, Bellamy took a small step forward.

“Actually I invited her.” He said simply.

“You what?” Raven questioned incredulously.

“Bellamy I don’t think-“ Echo started placing her hand on his shoulder.

“Stay out of this Echo.” He snapped at her. He didn’t mean to of course and he knew he’d feel bad and apologize later but it wasn’t any of her business. He looked at her as hurt momentarily flashed across her face until she quickly hardened her expression. 

“You know,” she sighed, “I think I’ll give you three some space. I’ll be back at the bonfire if you need anything.” She held Bellamy’s gaze for a moment before turning away and making her way back. It was just Raven, Clarke and himself left. The air felt thick and the tension was high. She broke the silence first.

“Um- Y’know whaat I’ll jusst go. I’m sorryy for interruptingg.” Clarke said slurring her words. His face softened looking at her, she was drunk. Raven still looked ready to sucker punch her at any minute. He turned towards her and gave a pleading look. 

“Hey, can we have a minute?” He asked Raven softly. She sharpened her gaze as if to say, _are you kidding me right now_? “Raven please?” He tried again. She scoffed looking at Clarke and then back to him.

“Fine, I’ll be back at camp if you need anything.” She stated clearly annoyed at his request. She made her way back in the direction they came leaving him and Clarke alone. They held each other’s gaze until Bellamy began to walk towards her not forgetting she was drunk. 

“Clarke I-“ he started, taking her hands in his but quickly stopped when he felt a warm liquid on his right hand. He looked confused for a moment while he lifted up her hand and saw the glimmer of red in the moonlight. He looked back up at her eyes which held a look somewhere between hopeful and regretful. He took her right hand in both of his looking down again to examine the cut, it was quite big.

“Come on,” he sighed, “let’s get you to medical.” He said with a slight strain in his voice. She pushed away his hands.

“I’m fine.” She replied quietly. He ignored her. 

“How did it happen?” He questioned her but he knew she wasn’t letting down her walls that easy, even in the state she was in.

“Just a’lil scratchh while I was pickling the lock for the moonshinee with my kniife.” She said, still slurring her words, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. He could smell the alcohol on her breath. 

“C’mon Clarke let’s go,” he tried grabbing her arm to pull her to the infirmary but she stood her ground. 

“Bellamy I’said I’mm fine.” She tried again. Even he didn’t expect what he did next. Turning to face her he yelled.

“You’re not _fine_ Clarke!” He screamed, a little shocked at his own anger. “You’re blackout drunk, with a knife wound on your hand! You passed out in medical the other night and Madi-“ his eyes softened when he said her name. Clarke looked somewhere in between ready to cry and ready to punch him. “Clarke,” he tried again softer reaching out to put a hand on her cheek. She wouldn’t meet his eyes. “You don’t need to pretend to be okay with me.” With that he saw a tear slip out before she quickly wiped if away and hardened her face.

He knew she didn’t want to respond to that and he understood. He silently put her arm around his shoulders to help her refrain from stumbling and began walking in the direction of the infirmary cabin. She didn’t say anything but she wasn’t protesting anymore and Bellamy knew it was mostly thanks to the alcohol in her system. He doubted she’d accepted his help if she was sober but then again, she probably never would’ve shown up at all tonight if she was. 

They reached the cabin door after a short and silent walk from the bonfire spot. He pushed open the door and sat her down on the makeshift chair they had built for patients. He looked around the somewhat messy shelves until he got what he was looking for. He may not have been a doctor like Clarke but he knew how to do stitches. She watched him in silence with her gaze following his hands as he pulled out his metal flask.

Bellamy held out his hand as to ask for permission and she extended her own into it. “This is gonna sting.” He said with an apologetic ring to his words. She just gave him a slight nod in understanding. He poured the moonshine over her cut to sanitize it and winced as she cried out in pain. He looked back to the shelves and grabbed a bottle of what he knew were pain killers and gave her two to swallow. She took them right away.

He then got to work on stitching up the cut which would've been much easier if he didn’t have to hear her small cries that caused his heart to drop every stitch he made. He finished it off wrapping a small bandage around it. Her eyes which were previously on her injury came up to meet his own. She gave him a smile so faint he couldn’t tell if he had imagined it. “Thank you Bell.” She whispered.

His heart fluttered a little at that nickname which she hadn’t used for what seemed like ages. “You’re welcome princess,” was all he could bring himself to say. He swore her saw her eyes sadden when he used that name. After that he helped her walk back to her cabin careful to be quiet as not to wake Madi. To his surprise the cabin was empty when they entered. He helped her into the bed and her eyes fluttered closed, tiredness obviously overcoming her. 

“Where’s Madi?” He asked curious to the young girls whereabouts.

“Gone,” she said in a sleepy haze. Bellamy furrowed his brow. 

“What do you mean gone?” He questioned not quite understanding.

“She left me. She told me she wanted to live with Gaia now. She left. Just like my father, just like my mother, just like Finn and Lexa and y-“ she started but cut herself off. Bellamy felt his heart drop to his stomach at her words he knew what she wanted to say, _just like you_. She had every right to say it and knowing that made the pain ten times worse. 

“It’s okay Bell, you can go home now.” She said eyes still closed sleep almost getting the better of her. He put his hand on her cheek and rubbed soothing circles with his thumb.

“You are my home Clarke.” He said sadly but it was too late, he heard her breathing even out as sleep overtook her. He put the extra pain killers he took and a glass of water next to her bed for the horrible morning she was bound to have tomorrow. He knew she wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning anyways, wouldn’t remember him. He turned to leave the cabin quietly but not before placing a soft kiss to her forehead.

______________________________________________

Clarke’s Pov

Clarke woke up that morning to pounding head and an empty bed. The events of the previous day came flooding back. Madi leaving, Bellamy showing up at her door and then getting insanely drunk. The rest of the night was pretty much a blur and she just hoped drunk Clarke didn’t do anything stupid.

She pulled the covers over her head to block out the light try to reduce her already horrible head ache. After a couple minutes she mustered up the courage to lift up the covers and sit up in her bed. She stretched her neck and rolled her shoulders feeling sore from sleeping. 

When she looked to the side something caught her eye and she froze. Right next to her bed was a glass of water and some pills, which upon further inspection, Clarke could tell were pain killers. She took them and drank the water grateful for the relief it would bring but still confused. She didn’t remember much about last night but she knew she was much to drunk to go have gone and gotten pain killers from the infirmary and put them next to her for the morning. It meant someone was here, with her, last night.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a pain worse than just soreness coming from her hand. She pulled it out to see the biggest shock of all, a bandage covering a neat set of stitches on her right palm. _When and how had she cut herself last night?_ At least this answered one of her questions, it was Jackson with her, besides the obvious fact that no one else could stand her anymore, he was the only other doctor in this camp and she sure as hell didn’t do the stitches herself. 

Clarke didn’t even want to think about how much she must’ve embarrassed herself last night. Poor Jackson had to deal with her drunk ass. She decided to go over and apologize for hijacking his night. She got up and got ready to leave when the relief from the pain killers began kicking in. She was thankful he put those out for her last night. On her way out of the cabin she grabbed a basket and picked the some of the fresh fruit she had grown in her garden the past month. She didn’t have much to give but she wanted to thank him and just an apology didn’t seem like enough. 

She left her little cabin and began her walk through the market place. She passed by a vendor selling flowers and she stopped for a minute to admire them, they were no flower she had seen before. There were many different species here than on Earth. She didn’t what they were but they were beautiful. When she snapped out of her trance, she was startled to notice a presence beside her. 

“How’re you feeling?” Bellamy asked her. Somewhat confused and somewhat awestruck she let out a stuttering answer. She didn’t know why he was asking. 

“Oh- uh - I- I’m fine. How are you?” She asked. Bellamy’s face seemed to fall a little at her answer. She didn’t know why, they don’t talk and yesterday after Madi left was weird enough but now he was talking to her today as well? 

“Oh - ya I’m good thanks Clarke.” He gave her a smile she could tell was forced. He followed her gaze to the flowers. 

“Beautiful aren’t they?” She asked him. 

“So beautiful.” He replied but when she turned to face him he was already looking at her. 

“Ehm,” she cleared her throat, “well I gotta go see Jackson now but I’ll see you around?” She smiled trying to be civil.

“Oh ya sure.” He agreed. She gave him a final nod before continuing her walk past him and towards Jackson and Miller’s cabin. After a couple more minutes she arrived at the cabin and knocked on the door. Miller opened up, they weren’t friends but he was one of the few people who didn’t currently hate her. She gave him a friendly smile.

“Hey Miller is Jackson there?” He looked back towards the bed where Jackson was sitting tying up his shoes. 

“I’ll be right out Clarke!” He called. Jackson was really the one person who she could still consider a friend, or as close to a friend as she could have now. True to his word, a minute later Jackson stepped outside greeting her. “What’s up?” He asked curious.

“Oh I just wanted to stop by and apologize for whatever stupid things I did last night. These are for you as a thank you.” She smiled at him as he accepted her basket. 

“Oh um thanks Clarke but what exactly are you talking about?” He gave her a quizzical look and she furrowed her brow in confusion. 

“Y’know, last night when you stitched up my hand and gave me the pain killers before I passed out.” She said moving aside the bandage and revealing her cut to him. Jackson still looked confused and at this point so was she.

“Clarke what’re you talking about?” He asked her still looking lost. Her heart dropped a little and she swallowed. 

“So this wasn’t you?” She asked nervously holding up her bandaged hand.

“No but it looks like a nasty cut. Are you alright?” He asked with what could’ve either been concern or he just genuinely thought she was crazy. 

“Oh um, sorry to bother you I guess, keep the fruits. I gotta go Jackson I’ll see you around?” She said while beginning to walk away still facing him. 

“Ya, see you around,” he replied with something that sounded like a mix of suspicion and confusion laced in his words. The second Jackson had said goodbye she turned around and began walking quickly back home. She wasn’t paying much attention to her walk as she had a million questions running through her head. _What happened last night? Who helped her? Why?_ The confusion running through her mind kept her busy so that she only noticed an arm grabbing her own once it was too late. She was walking past head quarters when someone had yanked her behind the building.

“Echo?” She questioned as she pulled the other girl’s arm off her own. Echo took a step back looking at her with what Clarke assumed to be a threatening gaze. “What do you-“ she started but was cut off by Echo.

“You need to stay away from Bellamy.” She said plain and simple. Clarke knit her brow in confusion. She pretended not to notice the way her heart raced a little faster at the mention of his name.

“What are you even talking about, Bellamy and I aren’t even friends anymore.” She said with a distinct sadness in her voice. 

“Last night at the bonfire when you showed up. You know he’s been drinking because of you. Clarke you’re not good for him and if you ever cared about him you’d-“ Echo was going on and on but Clarke could no longer process anything she was saying. _The bonfire_. Is that where she had gone last night, drunkenly deciding to take Bellamy up on his offer yesterday? Did that mean it was Bellamy who’d stitched her up and brought her home? Bellamy who had put out the water and pain killers for the pounding head he knew she’d have the next morning? It couldn’t be, could it?

“Clarke are you even listening to me?” Echo asked with a not so subtle hint of annoyance in her voice. 

“What?” Clare responded after being shaken from her thoughts. 

“Unless you want to see him hurt again, you have to stay away from him. Do you understand?” Echo prodded again. Clarke just nodded in return. She didn’t really know what she was agreeing to as she was still reeling with her newfound information that Bellamy may’ve been the one she was with last night. 

“Good.” Echo said with a serious yet accomplished expression. She left Clarke after that, standing behind the building alone. After about two minutes of trying to process everything she made her way out back to the path in front of headquarters. Once again someone grabbed her arm but this time it was a gentle touch. She still jumped. She turned around to see Bellamy once again. His face laced with concern when he saw her expression.

“Hey, did something happen? Is everything alright?” Bellamy asked kindly. Clarke only stared at him a minute before stepping out of his reach and mumbling some sort of excuse as to why she had to leave. She knew he saw right through it but right now it didn’t matter. She turned around and hurriedly began heading back to her cabin. She blocked out his voice calling after her and just focused on her way back. 

He had asked her if everything was alright and she couldn’t answer him. The truth was nothing was _alright._ As much as she hates to admit it Echo was only confirming what she’d known for so long. He was better off without her, they all were. All she did was hurt people but she wasn’t going to let that happen any longer. She refused to cause them anymore pain when she had the ability to end it. She was going to save them from herself, the only way she knew how.


	4. What Becomes of The Broken-hearted?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 is here! Enjoy and more to come soon! Lot’s of feelings and angst coming up so get ready!

Clarke’s Pov

Clarke felt the tears welling up in her eyes as she neared the entrance to her little cabin. The small voice in the back of her head that sounded just like her mother was overwhelming now. As she finally reached the door and pulled herself inside, Echo’s words rang true throughout her head. 

“ _Unless you want to see him hurt again, you have to stay away from him_.”

She was right, as much as Clarke hated to admit it, whenever she was around he got hurt. First with Mount Weather, then came ALIE and Praimfaya, the war against Eligus and even here in Sanctum he was forced to fight another war because of her. The only time he’d truly been safe, been happy were the six years he’d spent in space without her, with his _family_. 

Once long ago Clarke would’ve thought that she was apart of that family but the second he left, everything changed. Maybe it was for the best. He didn’t have to worry about just surviving anymore, he could just live. Echo was right the only way to keep Bellamy safe was to leave, her mother’s voice was right the only way to keep them all safe was for her to be gone. 

She let the silent tears flow freely now as she began gathering what little possessions she had. As much as she wanted to sometimes she couldn’t just end her life, not here at least. She wasn’t gonna put that on them too, to find her lifeless body, she’d already caused enough pain. She ripped a piece of paper from her sketch book and grabbed a piece of charcoal and scribbled a quick message. It read as follows;

“ _Bellamy, don’t come after me. Please look after Madi for me and tell her I love her. I’m sorry_.”

She kept it short because the less trace of her there was the better. She gathered the rest of her belongings into a small pack, her sketchbook and charcoal, a couple rations she had in her cabin, a hand gun and her pocket knife. As she waited for the sun to begin to set, she let her mind wander to simpler times. The drop ship days, co-leading with Bellamy, it was a whole other world, both literally and figuratively. 

She spent those last few hours trying to squabble the little bit of doubt she had left. _She was leaving for the good of her people, they didn’t want her here anyways. It would be best for everyone._ She reminded herself. With that she grabbed the note, placed it on her bed and threw her hood over her head as she made her way out of her cabin door for the last time. 

She decided to leave just before dark so she’d have time to cover some ground before making camp for the night but could slip still out unnoticed. Clarke walked through the market with her head down making her way towards the outskirts of the complex and the radiation shield. She raised her head up to see she was almost there. 

Clarke knew she’d be fine passing through the shield because of her night blood yet that didn’t make it any less frightening. She’d been covered in radiation burns before but if that happened now she wouldn’t make it far enough from camp before someone realized she left. She pushed away those fears doing a final sweep left and right to make sure no one was watching her and ran right through the shield. 

Her plan seemed to have worked, she didn't feel searing pain which meant no radiation burns. For a second Clarke let a feeling of pride overcome her, but as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. Panic erupted in her chest at the sound of a blaring alarm. This wasn’t apart of her plan. She had no idea that Raven installed an alarm system on the gate. To be honest she didn’t know much these days because she wasn’t apart of the “council” they’d formed. How could she be so naive to not think of that?

Clarke wanted to chastise herself but she knew now was not the time. Someone would come out soon to check out what tripped the alarm and she would be spotted. The land they built the complex on extended plains for some time before transitioning to a more forested area. She had to move fast if she wanted to get cover in the forest before being spotted. Clarke began to run as fast as her legs could carry her never stopping to look back. She could hear the alarm still blaring in the distance now combined with the sound of a commotion. 

As soon as she reached the forest’s edge, she dove behind the trunk of a rather large tree hoping she hadn’t been spotted. The forest’s border was not too far from the edge of the complex so she decided it would be best to wait around ten or fifteen minutes until the coast would be clear. That way she could get up without risking being spotted. 

Clarke held he knees to her chest trying not to breakdown. She was doing the right thing, she was keeping those she still loved safe. It was either this or end her life and for now at least, this seemed to be the better option. After waiting out behind the tree for sometime she slowly stood up and turned around ready to take her final glance to the place she almost called home. After the ark, Clarke never really had a home, until _him_ , but then everything changed. He had his own family now, one she wasn’t apart of and as much as that hurt, what hurt more was the realization that he was still her family, her home, even if she wasn’t his. 

As she finally glanced up ready to turn her back on this place for good her eyes met a pair of beautiful brown ones staring out from the edge of the complex. It was Bellamy, she saw his face twist as they made eye contact for a split second. Clarke immediately turned on her heel and ran fast into the woods wanting to cover as much ground as she could before dark. 

-

About a week had passed since Clarke left and she was no longer living, back to just surviving. By this point she’d established somewhat of a daily routine. She woke up with sunrise every morning and went out to hunt. Usually catching a smaller animal, she’d cook it over a fire and pair it with some berries if she was lucky, for her breakfast and lunch. Clarke spent her days just thinking, climbing trees, going hunting and that was pretty much it until evening came around. By then she’d catch dinner and make another fire to cook it then lay down in the cave she was living in, falling asleep with her hand clutched on her knife. 

She’d found the cave on her first day after leaving the complex and decided it would be a good place to make camp. She was weary about being so close to the complex but in the end decided to stay because there was a good chance she wouldn’t find another place as good as this one if she kept going. 

Clarke hadn’t spoken since the day she left and her throat had become somewhat sore. It reminded her of the countless days she spent alone after Mount Weather but there was one big difference. All those years ago she had left for herself, to heal her brokenness but this time their was no healing for her. This time she left for _him,_ for _Madi_ , for all of them. She’d left to protect them not herself because she knew at this point, she was already broken beyond repair.

After being alone for so long she found that dreaded voice in the back of her head surfacing much more frequently. 

“ _You’re a coward Clarke and you’re selfish. If you really wanted to keep them safe you’d do what you know has to be done. It’s inevitable. They don’t love you and they won’t ever forgive you anyway, not after this. You need to do-_ “

“Shut up!” She found herself screaming one morning, finally cracking. Her eyes were wound tightly shut and her hands pressed firmly over her ears. The sounds echoed off the walls of the empty cave. “Just please stop.” She said pleadingly.

“ _Clarke you’re doing this to yourself, you are the only one who has the power to stop it._ ” The voice sounding like her mother’s over the radio, like the day of the eclipse, had told her. She removed her hands from her head and slowly peeled her eyes open to find tears dripping down her cheeks. Her throat ached from yelling after nor speaking for over a week but the pain was nothing compared to that of the battle being fought inside her own head.

Was she really that crazy that she was full on hearing voices and talking to herself now? Clarke inhaled and let out a deep shaky breath. With that breath she allowed a dangerous thought to cross her mind. _What if that little voice wasn’t nonsense, what if it was right?_ Then her head flooded with voices from the eclipse, _his_ voice.

_“Maybe you haven’t noticed Clarke, but I don’t need you anymore.”_

Then her mother’s voice which sounded so real over the radio that day.

_“You’re the toxin. You infect people Clarke, if you don’t do this, Madi’s next. You’d do it if you loved her.”_

She knew he was under the effect of the red sun toxin and he wouldn’t have attacked her otherwise, but those words had to have come from somewhere. He didn’t need her because he had Echo now, he had Raven, Monty, Harper, Murphy and Emori. Bellamy no longer wanted her around and that little voice was right. She needed to do this for Madi, before the poor girl could get even more wrapped up in her own toxicity. At least if she did it here they wouldn’t find her body, although she doubted they would be looking anyway.

It was that morning when she made her decision. She sat on her knees, back to the opening of the cave. She removed the knife from her pocket cutting a small wound onto her palm and smearing the blood across her forehead. A tradition she remembered from her time many years ago in Polis. Clarke removed the gun she’d been saving for an emergency from her belt. She heard the familiar click as she removed the safety and took a deep breath. She shut her eyes and pressed the cold metal to the side of her temple and closed her eyes taking one final deep breath as she muttered the all too familiar words to send herself off. 

“Ai gonplei ste odon.” She said softly with her finger on the trigger ready to pull. Then she heard a voice and her eyes shot open.

“Clarke?” It was him.

______________________________________________

Bellamy’s Pov

Bellamy had been standing just outside of headquarters on his way in when Echo had appeared coming out from behind the building. After snapping at her the night before he’d apologized. It was never his intent but it was Clarke, what else could he say? 

He greeted her with a sweet kiss pulling her into his embrace and feeling her warmth. When they pulled back, Echo’s smile didn’t quite seem to meet her eyes. “Hey everything all right?” He asked rubbing his hands up and down her arms soothingly. She gave him a more genuine smile and nodded.

“Everything’s perfect.” She responded pulling him on for one more kiss before bidding farewell and heading off to who knows where. It was then when he saw Clarke, even after all this time, after everything they’d been through, the sight of her still made his heart skip a beat. He greeted her kindly first but upon further inspection, he saw the saddened and shocked look on her face. He immediately wanted to punch whoever made her feel like this.

He asked if she was alright and she just walked away from him muttering some excuse about needing to go do something in medical. It was bullshit and he knew it, she didn’t look right. He called after her as she turned her back on him but ultimately decided to leave it alone. 

Bellamy gave up with a sad smile walking into the building to greet his friends. He wanted to talk to her, wanted her to open up to him but knowing Clarke, she wouldn’t. Not just because that’s who she was but because of the fact that they barely had a speaking relationship anymore. He decided to give her some space and go see her later in the evening to see if she was willing to talk. 

They’d been in headquarters for a couple hours working on a food production plan for the colder months when they heard it. A jarring and loud alarm that caused them all to jump at the sudden noise. He made eye contact with Raven looking for an answer. Her face screamed a look of panic and she froze for a short moment until Murphy had snapped her out of it.

“Raven talk to us what’s going on?” He prodded. 

“I set up an alarm system on the radiation shield when we first build it in case we had any unwanted visitors. The alarm’s set to trigger the second any person or thing crosses that shield.” Raven explained.

Bellamy and Murphy exchanged a look before grabbing their guns and heading outside. Whoever or whatever it was was most likely already dead, nothing would’ve survived the radiation but they brought the guns anyway because better safe than sorry. 

The alarm had been surprising but what was even weirder was making their way to the shield entrance only to see nothing there. He looked at Murphy who then looked to Raven.

“False alarm I guess?” Murphy said with his gun still raised. Raven furrowed her brow.

“No,” she paused. Bellamy looked at her.

“Raven I-“ he started but was soon cut off.

“No. It doesn’t make sense, a false alarm isn’t possible. Someone had to have passed through that gate.” Raven said determination laced between her words.

“Well I hate to break it to you little miss perfect but maybe your tech isn’t as good as you think it is. Anyone who passed through this gate would be covered in radiation burns right now.” Murphy said condescendingly. For what seemed like a long minute, Raven glared at Murphy while everyone else stood dumbfounded. Then it hit him.

“Not all of us.” Bellamy said as his face fell with realization. "There are five of us who could pass through that gate with no radiation burns and three of the five are here. That just leaves two." From the back of his eye, he noticed Echo seemed to pale slightly. Emori stepped forward.

“You don’t think they would’ve..” she trailed off not finishing her thought. Bellamy didn’t stick around to hear the answer as he began a light sprint towards Clarke’s cabin. His heart lurched when he opened the door to find no one there. _Don’t freak out Bell, it doesn’t mean she left, she could’ve just gone out._ He tried to reassure himself but it wasn’t working.

He quickly left the small cabin and began to run to where he knew Gaia was being housed. He ignored Echo’s calls from behind him and kept moving until he reached the house, wrapping his fist on the door. To Bellamy, it felt like hours before someone answered but in reality it was less than a minute. 

Gaia opened the door, a look of confusion plastered on her face but he didn’t have time to explain. He looked passed her to see Madi sitting on the floor scribbling something into a sketchbook. Some of his fear had temporarily lessened after seeing her here, safe and sound. Over the past weeks, he’s grown quite fond of the young girl, she reminded him of a younger Octavia. Madi looked up at the interruption to see Bellamy standing there. 

“Bellamy what’s going on?” She questioned with a curious look on her face that she had definitely picked up from Clarke. Bellamy’s face fell, he hadn’t thought this far forward.

“Madi have you seen Clarke?” He questioned trying to not let the girl see how worried he truly felt. Immediately her face paled. 

“Not since yesterday, um we had a fight and I stormed out on her.” She looked down in shame. “Why did something happen to her?” Her head shot back up, fear present in her eyes. He decided it was best not worry her without confirmation that she was gone. 

“No, no don’t worry I’m just looking for her.” He reassured the fearful girl in front of him. With that she visibly calmed a little. She still looked sad though, guilt lay across her face.

“Alright,” she paused. “when you see her, can you tell her I’m sorry and I’m coming back home.” Her gaze shifted to Gaia who gave her a small smile. Bellamy gave Madi a nod and with that he said goodbye and was on his way back to the gate.

He stood there for a little while just staring out into the forest hoping against the odds that she wasn’t out there, that she didn’t leave him again. It had been about two minutes when he saw movement in the distance behind the trunk of a tree. It only lasted a second but he saw a flash of blonde hair and his brown eyes met blue ones before the person quickly turned away making their way deeper into the woods. It was her, he knew. 

The one second of joy he got from finally knowing where she was was quickly replaced by his heart falling to his stomach at the realization that she had indeed left. 

Bellamy stormed into headquarters where he saw his friends all in deep conversation. The room fell silent as he entered, four pairs of eyes lay on him expectantly. “It’s Clarke, she left.” He said sombrely. 

“And Madi?” Raven asked quietly. He gave her a slight nod.

“She’s safe, she’s here.” The thought of telling Madi especially after just reassuring her everything was fine, terrified him. She would be heart broken, she’d hate him for letting this happen. Hell he hated himself for it. Echo gestured to the others asking for a minute alone. They all made their way out of the room with sad eyes leaving him and Echo alone.

“Bell-“ she started as she approached him but he cut her off.

“You know I keep asking myself, why would she leave, why now? Then I remembered the look on her face this morning after coming out from behind headquarters.” He started, Echo held her breath. “Coincidentally the same place you had come from just moments earlier Echo.” She said nothing. “Please, please tell me this wasn’t you. Tell me you had nothing to do with it.” He begged, tears welling up in his eyes. 

“Bell I had to, I was trying to protect you.” She said taking a step towards him reaching out for his hand. He stepped back, his face overwhelmed with looks of betrayal, grief and sadness.

“No, Echo we’re through.” He said with a steady voice, decision final. She looked shocked. He didn’t give her time to process as he turned his back on her and strutted out the door. He saw his friends faces of concern as he moved quickly down the path but chose to ignore them. He walked down the path and right past his own cabin, making a beeline for her’s, not in the mood to spend another minute with Echo. 

As he reached the door he pulled it open to a sight that broke his heart. It was Madi, tears streaming down her face, in her hands a small piece of paper. She turned to face him and silently handed him the note. His heart broke even more as he read each word. Worst of all, the note was addressed to him. He’d failed her, he’d failed Clarke, he’d failed the only girl who he’s truly ever loved. 

“She’s gone, she left me.” Madi cried and Bellamy brought her right into his arms, embracing her tight. The rest of that night was mostly just a blur as Bellamy sat awake all night, a sleeping Madi by his side. It was his fault he lost her and he was going to bring her home again if it’s the last thing he ever did. 

-

About a week had gone by with no Clarke and each day Bellamy hurt more and more. Every morning he would leave with the scouting trips and branch off on his own looking for any sign of her before meeting back up with them in the evening and returning camp with them. At first Madi argued with him saying she wanted to go with him and the scouts but he’d refused knowing Clarke wouldn’t want her to. Clarke had asked him to take care of Madi and he sure as hell was not going to break that promise. So Madi stayed with Gaia during the day and him during the evenings and mornings.

One morning when he left the scouts he noticed something strange. It had rained the previous day and he saw what he could’ve sworn were human tracks in the still muddy ground. Her heart lurched at the thought that maybe she was near and he’d finally be able to bring her home. He traced the tracks all the way back to a small fire pit that was recently put out. Someone was here he just prayed it would be her. 

He found an opening to a cave right near the fire pit and raised his gun just in case. Of all the things he was hoping or expecting to see in front of him, this was not one of them. Clarke Griffin, back faced to him, with a gun to her head. His heart beat tripled and he felt he wanted to break down at the sight but he didn’t all he did was...

“Clarke?” He asked in a shaky voice.


	5. I Am Become Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys prepare for some angst in this chapter but trust me lot’s more of that to come! I’m sorry this chapter took so long, I was busy with school which sucks!!! Anyways, I really appreciate all the supporting comments and notes! I hope you enjoy and please continue to let me know what you think!!!

Bellamy’s Pov

“Clarke?” He asked in a shaky voice.

He saw her visibly tense up at the sound of his voice but the hand holding the gun firmly pressed to her temple did not waver. He was immediately taken back to just over a week ago when he walked into the infirmary to see her passed out with a bottle of pills. That time he was lucky, it wasn’t what it looked like, she was okay. This time it was exactly what it looked like. She was about to leave him for good.

“Clarke, please just put down the gun.” He begged his hand still on his own weapon. The area was eerily silent as she gave no response. That silence was shattered by a sob that broke his heart. In that moment all he wanted to do was drop his gun and embrace her tightly in his arms until he made her pain disappear but she still held a gun to her head and he wasn’t about to take that risk. 

After a excruciating long minute she spoke with a dry and scratchy voice. “You weren’t supposed to come after me.” She whispered in between her cries. His face hardened.

“Look at me,” Bellamy spoke softly. When she gave no indication that she was moving he tried again with more demand to his voice. “Clarke look at me!” He yelled this time, frustration getting to him. She turned around to face him refusing to meet his eyes. She looked different, too skinny, dirt and cuts littered on her body, the light from her eyes dimmed. He wanted to beat himself up for not noticing the signs earlier but now was not the time. 

“Clarke I will  _always_ come after you.” He said emphasizing that word. He needed her to know that he meant it, as long as she wasn’t with him, he’d never be home. She just shook her head back and forth. 

“Bell you need to go home please.” She was begging in between her tears. 

“Princess I don’t know how you still haven’t figured this one out.” He gave her a faint smile. “Clarke you are my home, you always have been. I need you, Madi needs you!” He said much more determined yet she remained with the gun pressed against her head.

“Don’t you get it Bell? I’m doing this for you, for Madi, for all our people!” She cried. 

He furrowed his brow somewhat confused. “When I’m around people die Bellamy, people get hurt.” She said simply. “My parents, Finn, Lexa and hundreds of others all dead because of me. I won’t let Madi be next, I won’t let  _you_ be next.” She said as silent tears fell from her puffy eyes. He shook his head with a hardened expression overcoming his face. 

“No Clarke, I sorry but I won’t just sit here while I watch you kill yourself!” He raised his voice at her, anger covering his hurting.

“You don’t have to be here Bell, go back to your family. You have people who you love and who love you. You have Echo, please don’t let me die knowing I ruined that too.” She said her voice breaking at the end and tears now free flowing.

“They’re not you,” was all he could think to say in that horrible moment. “I need you.”

“No you don’t, you’ll be fine.” She said trying and failing to force a slight smile. 

“How could you say that? God dammit Clarke! How could you even  _ think  _ that?” He said as it was the most revolting thing he’d ever heard. “You didn’t see me up there, those 6 years without you were the worst years of my life. It took me a year before I was able to even say your name, let alone talk about what happened. As far as I knew, you were dead and it was my fault. I already had to live a life without you once and I sure as hell don’t plan on doing it again. I won’t stand by and leave you to die. I won’t make that mistake again. Not this time.” He said willing himself not to break in front of her.

He watched as she let out a sob, opening her mouth but no words came out. “Bell, I have to.” Was all she said to him.

“Clarke please just put down the gun, come back with me, we can fight this  _together_. ” He hadn’t cared anymore, he let the tears flow freely as he begged the girl who’d always been there for him, to not end her own life. She’d always been his person and he loved her. Whether that love was platonic or romantic he still didn’t know but all he knew for sure was that he wasn’t about to lose her again. Not when he just got her back. He was willing to do whatever it took to save her from herself. 

“Tell Madi I love her and I’m sorry. I’m sorry Bellamy and I hope you can forgive me one day.” She said with a sort of calm and acceptance that horrified him. With that she squeezed her eyes shut and placed her finger back on the trigger.  _No, this wasn’t happening_.  Before he knew what he was doing he had his gun raised to her leg and pressed down on the trigger. A loud bang echoed throughout the small cave. 

Clarke’s eyes shot open and she let out a deafening scream and dropped the gun while her hands went to clutch her leg. It still wasn’t over he rushed to her side and willed himself to do what he had to. “I’m sorry Clarke.” She looked up at him with pleading and scared eyes and his heart broke a thousand times over at the sight. He raised the back of his gun in the air and brought it down hard on her head knocking her unconscious. 

_ He shot her. He shot Clarke then hit her over the head with his gun. He did what he had to. _

Trying to push these thoughts from his head he leaned down to catch her in his arms. He froze for a second looking at her lifeless body and had to remind himself she’s okay, she’d be okay, he’d make sure of it. He immediately removed his jacket tearing off a long strip and tying it tightly above her wound. He was no doctor but he did remember a thing or two he’d seen her do countless times before. He had to stop the bleeding. He took the remainder of the jacket and applied pressure to the wound with one hand and scooped her up into his other arm. 

She knew it was just a matter of time until the scouts arrived after all they couldn’t have gotten too far, they would’ve heard the gunshot. After that it was just a quick ride back in the rover back to camp where she could get real medical attention from Jackson. His plan was solid, it would work, it  _ had _ to work.

With her in his arms bridal style, he carried her outside the cave waiting anxiously for the scouts to arrive. By some miracle, his prayers had been answered as he heard the grumble of the engine growing louder and louder. The vehicle pulled up beside him and Miller, who had been on this scouting trip, jumped up with his gun raised. 

“Woah weapons down!” He yelled and with that Miller noticed the bleeding Clarke in Bellamy’s arms. He lowered his gun gesturing to the others in the rover to do the same. 

“What happened?” Miller asked walking with Bellamy to back the back of the rover. 

“No time to explain we need to get her to medical.” He said never once taking his eyes off her paled face. 

“On it.” Miller replied with determination in his voice. He opened the back door to the rover and Bellamy carried her inside, placing her gently on the ground and taking a seat right next to her. Miller looked back to see them inside and told the others to start driving straight to camp. 

The whole drive, Bellamy’s eyes never once left Clarke. He’d been running his thumb over her cheek in soothing circles with the hand he wasn’t using to apply pressure the wound. A strand of her blonde hair was in her face so he tucked it loosely behind her ear. She didn’t look good, she’d obviously not been eating enough since she left and he doubted she was hydrated. She wasn’t healthy and he doubted getting shot and knocked out would do her any good. “Come on princess, you’re strong, just hold on for a little longer please.” 

He whispered to her even though she still lay unconscious. It felt like forever when Miller called back that they’d reached the gate and were entering camp. A small crowd had begun to gather around the entrance to the complex because the scouting trips were never back this early. People parted ways making room for them to enter camp when the shield was temporarily deactivated for them to enter. 

The second they came to a halt, Miller was out of the rover calling for Jackson while Bellamy scooped up a still unconscious Clarke in his arms. Someone opened up the back of the rover and he climbed out with her once again bridal style. The second he stepped out with her in his arms, he heard whispers, gasps and hushed voices coming from the crowd. Then he the heard yelling. 

It was a high pitched voice, one belonging to the girl he’d come to know and love.  _Madi_.  She ran up to right in front of him acting hysterically. He knew it was out of fear but the girl’s worried cries and constant questions were not helping anyone right now and he needed to get Clarke to medical. He made eye contact with Miller and gave him a nod.

“Madi I need you to go with Miller please.” Bellamy begged the girl. She shook her head vigorously.

“I’m not leaving Clarke!” She yelled. 

“Madi, I promise I’ll take good care of her but you can’t be here right now, please, do it for Clarke.” The girl’s strong resolve fell and she stepped back letting the tears fall down.

“Please save her Bellamy.” Was all she said and he nodded at her while Miller walked her away from the commotion. Immediately Bellamy made eye contact with Jackson as they made their way to the infirmary cabin. The other man ushered him inside and helped him lay Clarke down on the chair. He began assessing the damage. Bellamy took a step back and put his hands on the back of his neck watching intently, trying to give Jackson room to work. 

“What happened?” He questioned. Bellamy took a breath trying to figure out how much he should say. He wasn’t about to tell anyone the truth about what Clarke was about to do, because it wasn’t his truth to tell. So he stuck to just a medical report of the story which seemed to satisfy Jackson. 

“A bullet to the leg and then knocked unconscious, the rest of the cuts and bruises are from the past week.” He stated trying to stay as professional as he could at the moment. 

For the next half hour or so, Jackson worked on Clarke and Bellamy watched from a distance, occasionally stepping in to follow Jackson’s orders when he needed an extra hand. After what felt like forever, it was over, she was okay. Jackson told him that the sedative he gave Clarke would wear off within the next couple hours. After he was confident she was stable, he left Bellamy to be alone with her when she awoke.

She looked at peace while she slept and he wished that would be the case when she woke up as well, but he knew that was far from the truth. The last time he’d seen her like this was when they’d defeated Josephine and that time she didn’t wake up. That time he almost lost her for good. He had to continuously remind himself that that wasn’t like this, she would wake up today. 

Being alone in medical gave him some time with his thoughts that he’d been pushing off. 

_ He shot Clarke. He knocked her unconscious. Was she gonna hate him when she woke up? How could he help her? What about Madi, how much should she know? Would she just run off and try again? Was he willing to just go back to how their life was before? Would she just pretend it didn’t happen? Was she safe from herself? _

Bellamy let all these thoughts and a thousand more crowd his head. Truth be told, he didn’t know the answer to a lot of those questions. He just knew that they would figure it out  together.  He sure as hell was not going to lose her again, he knew he wanted to be there for her, he wanted to share her burdens, wanted to ease her pain. It was not going to be easy when she woke up but he wasn’t going to let her face that burden alone, never again.

His train of thought was interrupted by stirring coming from her makeshift bed. Bellamy ran to her side and held her hand in his giving it a reassuring squeeze. She was waking up...

______________________________________________

Clarke’s Pov

Clarke’s eyes slowly flickered open only to be assaulted by a bright light in her face. She quickly squeezed them closed again. As she began to regain consciousness, she shot up trying to make sense of her surroundings. Almost immediately her hands shot down to her leg feeling a stabbing pain. It took him speaking to realize she wasn’t alone.

“Woah woah woah, lay down you just woke up.” He chastised her. Clarke let him ease her back down but she still hadn’t met his eyes. Then it hit her, the memories from just this morning came flooding back simultaneously. She made eye contact with his sad eyes. 

“Bellamy?” She asked voice giving way as she broke down into uncontrollable sobs. She didn’t know exactly why she was crying, everything was just so overwhelming to her in that moment. The weight of what she’d almost done this morning piling on her shoulders. 

He was at her side almost immediately whispering soothing words to her, his thumb stroking her cheek gently. She squeezed her eyes shut unable to face him in that moment. She tried steadying her breathing and opened her mouth to speak.

“I- I-“ she could barely get a word out but he was hushing her anyways.

“Shhhh. It’s okay, you don’t have to talk. Not now, not yet.” He said before pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead.

For the next couple hours Clarke was in and out of sleep exhausted from the long week she’d had. Every time her eyes fluttered open, he was there. Sometimes watching her, other times sitting across the room, once passed out on the chair in the conner of the room. He was all over the place but he was there every single time, until he wasn’t. 

“How you feeling?” A new voice caught her attention as she came to. She looked around the room searching for Bellamy but only Jackson was there. 

“As good as I can be after getting shot, y’know just swell.” She said with a sarcastic tone. “Bellamy?” She questioned with a more serious note in her voice. Jackson walked over and began changing her bandages. 

“He passed out, Miller practically had to drag him out of here and into a real bed.” Jackson said with a chuckle. “He’s in your cabin actually I think.” He said nonchalantly. Clarke furrowed her brow.

“My room?” She gave him a quizzical look while he was still at work on re-dressing the wound.

“Ya he’s been staying there with Madi for the past week. He sleeps on the floor, lets her have the bed every night.” Her heart swelled when she heard that. It really meant a lot to her that he looked after Madi for her. She gave Jackson a nod of understanding.

“Did um - did Bellamy tell you what happened.” That got his attention, finally taking a break from her leg and meeting her eyes. He gave her a bit of a sad smile and shook his head back and forth.

“Nothing more than the injuries,” he paused. She was thankful he didn’t tell Jackson, she didn’t want anyone looking at her with pity. “But Clarke, I may not know why you left or what happened but please don’t do it again.” He pleaded. She said nothing. “Look I’m sure you had your reasons,” he continued. “But you leaving almost destroyed Bellamy  _and_ Madi and not to steal their spotlight but let’s just say I wasn’t too happy either. I mean wow, you really wanted to make me deal with all the broken bones.” He joked. She gave him a soft smile. 

“Thank you Jackson, truly.” He nodded in return. 

“Alrighty then you should be good to go.” He said clapping his hands together. Clarke’s eyes lit up.

“You mean I can get out of here?” She asked a little bit of excitement evident in her tone.

“Woah slow done there buddy.” He laughed. “You just got shot, I’d give it at least a days rest before going out and about.” Clarke audibly sighed. “Hey in other news, I had the guys down in the shop whip you up these bad boys.” He smiled pulling out a pair of what seemed to be makeshift wooden crutches. 

“I don’t need crutches Jackson.” She started. 

“Actually you do, doctors orders.” He gave her a teasing smile. They spoke for a little while longer before Jackson excused himself and she was left alone in the cabin. As much as she appreciated Bellamy being there for her, she was glad he wasn’t here right now. If he was, she knew he’d try and start a conversation she was  not ready to have, especially not with him. 

It was still light outside so she figured it was around late afternoon, early evening. Unfortunately, being bed ridden and alone did not make for the best combination. Clarke was left to sit alone with her thoughts and her thoughts wouldn’t stop circling back to how she’d failed.

_ She was so close. So close to saving Madi. So close to saving Bellamy. So close to ridding her people of the burden that was Clarke Griffin. So close to losing all the pain. So close and yet, she’d failed yet again. Clarke didn’t want to die. She wanted to survive, wanted to live, wanted to love but everyone she loved died one way or another. Her mother’s voice echoed in her  _ head.

_ “Clarke think about it. No one is safe around you because the only people you won’t kill die anyway, trying to protect you.” _

That day with the red sun she was weak. She’d almost finished the job, Bellamy almost finished the job but she survived. She had to decide between living and risking the lives of those around her or ending her own life for the good of her people. It was an impossible choice.

_ “Clarke Griffin and her impossible choices.” _

Raven’s cold words echoed in her head. A person she once called a friend, almost family, hated her, they all hated her and that made her impossible choice a little more possible. 

Now she was stuck. The plan she had was solid, after a week out there alone, she knew what she had to do and she was ready to do it, but then  _ he _ came along. That wasn’t part of the plan, Bellamy Blake was not supposed to come looking for her. 

To say the least, she didn’t understand. He’d barely said more than a couple sentences to her since they’d left Sanctum and now he all of a sudden felt the need to come after her? It didn’t make sense, he clearly didn’t care for her anymore and she didn’t blame him. She wished it was different but since they came down from space, she knew she’d always come second to his  family .  _ So why then, did he shoot her in the leg to stop her from trying to end her life? Why wouldn’t he just have left her there to die? And what now, she couldn’t just go back to normal, she still had to go through with it. _

Somewhere in the midst of her thoughts, Clarke’s eyes had drifted closed once again. This time she slept well through the night and into the late morning. It was the first time she’d slept more than a couple hours, in a long time. She guessed the exhaustion was finally hitting her body. That morning, she awoke to the sound of pills jumping around in their bottles. 

“Good you’re awake.” Jacksons said with a smile. He poured two pills into his hand from an orange bottle. Placing them in her hand, he went to grab her a glass of water. “Take these, for the pain.” She nodded a thanks to him. “Bellamy’s been trying to get in here all morning but I forced him out because you were still sleeping. However I don’t think that excuse is gonna hold much longer. From what I’ve heard he’s currently out beating the shit out of some punching dummy in the training centre.” He chuckled. Clarke forced a smile. 

“Anyways,” he continued. “Your wounds seem to be healing nicely so if you’re feeling up to it, I think we can get you up and on your feet this morning.” At this Clarke’s fake smile turned a bit more genuine. She couldn’t wait to get out of here, this place was reminding her of her mother. 

“Ya definitely, thanks Jackson.” said Clarke. 

“On one condition though Clarke,” Jackson said his eyes showing determination. “You have to use the crutches, at least for a couple days. I mean it’s better than limping around isn’t it?” He continued trying to make light of the situation. Clarke sighed.

“Fine.” Was all she said. Truth be told Clarke didn’t want to use the crutches because she knew it would draw attention to herself around camp and that’s the last thing she wanted. The more people who forgot about her, the easier what she had to do next would be. 

After some time, Jackson managed to help get Clarke to her feet using the crutches. It felt good to be up and out of the makeshift hospital bed. What didn’t feel so good was the throbbing pain coming from her leg but she wasn’t about to let Jackson force her back into bed rest so she hid it. After agreeing to come to medical immediately if anything was wrong, Clarke was allowed to leave. It felt weird being the patient and not the doctor for once.

After leaving medical Clarke kept her head down hoping to go unnoticed but of course, just as she expected, the crutches didn’t help her case. She felt the eyes on her as she wobbled her way back to her old cabin. She made her way inside the door only to meet the eyes of a sad and scared looking brown-haired girl. 

“Clarke, I’m so sorry.” Madi’s voice broke as she ran into Clarke’s embrace and began crying. Clarke just held the girl tight in her arms whispering sweet nothings in her ear and pressing a kiss to her forehead just like Bellamy had with her the previous day.  _Going through with it was going to be harder then she though now._


	6. I'm fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys we're back! Sorry this chapter took forever but once again, lot's of school! Prepare for some more angst but don't worry because next chapter we will finally begin to get the closure we need!!! Once again I really appreciate comments so please feel free to let me know what you think!

Bellamy’s Pov

When he woke up the next morning, Madi was still fast asleep on the bed. She looked peaceful while she slept, it made him smile. He got up moving as fast as he could while still being quiet, eager to see Clarke but not wanting to wake Madi. He walked out the cozy cabin and softly shut the door behind him.

As he jogged to medical Bellamy’s mind began to wonder. _Would she let him in?_ They obviously needed to talk but he was worried she wouldn’t. She wasn’t okay, he knew that now, she couldn’t be okay if she thought Madi, himself and their people would be _better_ off without her in this world. He needed to make sure she knew that wasn’t true, he needed her to understand how important she truly was.

Bellamy snapped out of his daze when he reached the medical cabin. He paused a minute before lifting his hand and knocking softly on the wooden door. Almost immediately it was answered but his face fell a little when he realized it was Jackson on the other side of the door. The other man stepped outside and closed the door behind him.

“Bellamy what can I do for you?” He said with a smile. Bellamy had to force himself not to roll his eyes as he gave the man a look as if to say: _really, we both know exactly why I’m here_. He held himself back, instead settling for something simpler.

“Clarke?” He asked and although it wasn’t a question, Jackson knew exactly what he was asking.

“She’s doing good, making a fast recovery,” he paused and Bellamy let go a breath he didn’t know he was holding but he was still waiting for the man to move out his way. “But she’s sleeping right now and from what I’ve seen her body’s exhausted and if she’s getting out of here any time soon, she needs rest.”

“Can’t I just see her?” Bellamy asked, a sort of desperation leaking into his voice.

“I think it’s better for her to be alone right now Bellamy. You can come by a bit later when she’s awake.” Jackson said with an unwavering demeanour. Bellamy gave a sigh before nodding to the man. As much as he wanted never to leave Clarke’s side again, to hold her hand when she was scared, to make sure she knew how much she meant to him, he knew that Jackson was right. Resting was important for her recovery right now and he wasn’t about to get in the way of that.

After bidding Jackson farewell, Bellamy returned to the cabin he was sharing with Madi. He hadn’t really thought about the plan for when Clarke returned, after all it was her cabin and he knew she wouldn’t want him there. He and Echo hadn’t spoken since their fight and he wasn’t about to go crawling back asking to move into their old place. Murphy and Emori were living together, as well as Jackson and Miller and he didn’t exactly feel like rooming with Raven after everything. Maybe he’d just sleep in the training space for now, until he found somewhere else. At least it would keep him warm at night.

He let got of his worries as he entered the cabin to see Madi still sound asleep. He let his smile from earlier that morning regain control of his face as he walked to the edge of the bed and gently shook her awake. She groaned pulling the blanket over her head mumbling something along the lines of;

“ _It’s too earlllyyy_.” Bellamy gave a small chuckle in response and ruffled her hair. After pulling the blanket back from over her face, he got up and made his way out the door. He paused turning back to see her grumpily sitting up.

“Come on kid. Go get breakfast and then you gotta meet Gaia at her place for training. Hurry up slowpoke you slept in again.” He laughed at her before making his way out of the cabin and hearing her grumpy protests coming from the other side of the door. Out of a horrible situation they’d been put in, getting closer with Madi had been one of the few positives as a result. After spending a week with her, Bellamy had discovered very quickly that Madi was not a morning person like he was. He wondered if Clarke let her sleep in those years they were alone. _Clarke_.

Some how all his thoughts always ended up back at Clarke. Even more now than before because he was constantly worrying about her. Before he realized it, Bellamy’s feet were taking him towards the training centre as he felt an overwhelming need to punch something or someone, anger at himself beginning to rise.

Bellamy blamed himself for everything. He shouldn’t have shot her. He shouldn’t of let her leave. He shouldn’t have let their relationship drift so far. He shouldn’t have let her think such horrible things about herself. He shouldn’t have let the primes steal her body. He shouldn’t have fought with her so much after just getting her back. He shouldn’t have left her alone for six years. He should’ve stayed on the ground with her and let his friends go live on the ark without him. He was so full of regret, like he’d made the wrong decision every time it came to Clarke.

That’s how Bellamy found himself beating the crap out of a dummy they’d set up in the training centre for the next couple hours. He was just so upset and he dealt with it the best way he knew how too. _Fighting_. It kept his mind off his anger and if being honest with himself, sadness. It gave him something to busy himself with.

After a couple hours passed he’d decided to go head back to medical to see Clarke, she’d surely be awake by now. They needed to talk and whether she wanted to or not, they were going to. Bellamy wiped the sweat from his face and grabbed the extra shirt he brought. He removed his top and changed into the cleaner shirt, leaving the dirty one behind to come back for it later.

Bellamy made his way out of the training centre and made a beeline for the infirmary. His palms were somewhat sweaty and not from the workout, _he was nervous._ He didn’t know why, that was lie, he knew exactly why. _He was terrified of losing her again, he wouldn’t let that happen_ , he’s made that mistake one too many times.

He reached the med bay door and reached his hand up to knock on the door just like he’d done earlier that morning. After about a minute of no answer, he tried again only to receive the same response. _Maybe Clarke was still asleep and Jackson stepped out for a bit._ He chose to believe that because the other thought creeping into his head was not as pleasant. _She couldn’t have left again, right?_

Bellamy place his hand on the door and gently pushed until it gave in revealing an empty med bay behind it. In a second, Bellamy’s heart dropped. _She was gone, again_. No no no, he couldn’t think like that he told himself as he left the cabin walking with determination in his step. He was heading straight for her cabin, if not to find her, to see if Madi was still there and if she knew where Clarke had gone.

By the time the familiar structure came info view, Bellamy could practically hear his own heartbeat. He didn’t hesitate this time, not bothering to even knock. His hands made contact with the door and he pushed with a bit too much force, slamming the door open. Instantly his heart slowed as he was met with a familiar head of dirty blonde waves facing away from him. He had less than a second to register this before her head whipped around to meet his gaze.

The best way he could describe it, her face carried an expression of a deer caught in the headlights however, it held so much more than that. Even after all this time he could still read her expression like an open book. He saw the fear, regret, sadness and _maybe_ , just a glimpse of hope lying beneath that expression of shock. For a short moment that felt like eternity to Bellamy, they just held each other’s gazes, until he broke the silence. “Clarke” he practically sighed her name. She looked stricken for a second before her hardened resolve returned.

“B-Bellamy,” she stuttered. “What are you doing here?” She asked quizzically. He took a step towards as he spoke and the step she took back did not go unnoticed.

“Well I went to medical to see how you were doing and you weren’t there so I figured Jackson must’ve released you early.” He said bringing an arm to scratch the back of his neck.

“Ya I’m good to go” she said while swaying uncomfortably and giving him a smile Bellamy saw right past. He furrowed his brow slightly in confusion. The air between them was thick, tension clear.

“Oh um good, that’s good.” He nodded slowly, still weary. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” she said simply. His eyes were looking her up and down in concern. “How’re you?” She asked back taking Bellamy by slight surprise.

“Oh um, I’m okay.” He said still trying to figure out what was going on.

“Good to hear.” She smiled again. This was not how Bellamy foresaw their conversation going.

“Ya,” he paused. “Clarke can we talk about what happened?” He asked nervously, trying to address the elephant in the room. He saw her eyes widen for a spilt second before putting her mask back on.

“What’s there to talk about? Everything’s fine.” She said crossing her arms over her chest. He stood there for a minute somewhat shocked before continuing the tense conversation.

“ _Clarke_ ,” he said with an aching in his voice. “You, you left again, you tried to…” he cut himself off not sure if he could say what needed to be said. His face softened as he took a deep breath. “Clarke you tried to _kill yourself._ ” He said trying to take another step forward, wincing slightly as he saw her shy away again. Bellamy looked at the girl in front of him with pleading eyes, willing her to say something. He wanted, no he _needed_ , her to explain why she tried to do what she did. He needed to hear how he could help her fix this, fix everything.

“It was a mistake.” She told him, expression not wavering. Of all the things she could’ve said, this was not a response Bellamy was prepared for but really, was he prepared for any of it at all? “I was just upset, I’m fine now.” She continued. At her words Bellamy felt the anger from earlier in the day return.

“A mistake? You’re fine?” He asked incredulously, raising his voice slightly. ”Clarke I watched you point a gun to her head, finger on the trigger about to press down. I shot you in the leg to keep you from ending your own life and that’s all you have to say? _It was a mistake._ ” He spat venom in his voice. He didn’t want to be mad at her but he couldn’t hold back, not now. She winced slightly at his words, shutting her eyes and taking a breath before opening them again. Shewouldn’t meet his eyes anymore.

“I- I was being rash and I wasn’t thinking but it was a one time thing. I’m okay now, you don’t have to worry.” She said more to the ground than to him. Bellamy took a moment to steady himself before starting again.

“Madi told me.” That was all he said hoping she would understand what he was referring to. She finally met his gaze again but her face was riddled with sadness and confusion. “She told me what happened, _what you did_ , on the ship when she was under the control of Sheidheda.” Clarke’s face rushed with an expression of understanding before she quickly tore her gaze away and led it back to the ground. When she said nothing he took it as a cue to continue speaking. “Clarke you’re part of my family, of course I’m going to worry about you. Back in that cave, I heard what you said and each word you spoke felt like a knife in my chest.” He spoke voice full of emotion and truth.

“It pains me to know that you could ever even think I’d be okay without you. It hurts that you don’t understand how important you are to me.” He took the moment to close the distance between them, bringing his hand under her chin and lifting it slightly for her eyes to meet his. At this point tears were welling in his eyes and threatening to spill, he _needed_ her to understand.“I’ve lost you too many times, I can’t lose you again.” He said with his voice barely above a whisper.

After what felt like eternity to him, she pulled his hand off of her and took a couple steps away. It stung, but he wasn’t about to make this moment about him.She wiped the stray tear that had fell during his short lived speech and steadied her breathing before speaking again.

“Bellamy, I wasn’t going to actually do anything. Back on the ship with Madi, I did it to snap her out of her trance and it worked, I wouldn’t have gone through with it if it didn’t. Then back in the cave, I just wanted to be alone and I tried to get you to leave, what I was saying wasn’t true. Trust me I’m fine.” She said with another forced smile that made his heart drop. _She lied, she was lying to him and they both knew it. Why wouldn’t she just tell him the truth? All he wanted to do was to help her, to be there for her but she still lied._ His blood was running cold at this point. He just stared back at her in shock, his face betraying his emotions. She took his silence as a means to continue, any hint of sadness now wiped off her face completely.

“Really I appreciate the concern but I’m okay. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go speak with Madi.” She said lightly as she walked forward and past him towards the door. _She was going to leave, just like that?_ Bellamy stood dumbfounded still caught up in the heat of the conversation that he almost let her go, _almost_.

_____________________________________________

Clarke’s Pov

Clarke had began to make her way towards the door of the cabin willing herself to get out of the practically suffocating cabin before she broke down. She’d almost gotten to the door when a sharp tug and a warm hand around her wrist jerked her back. She stumbled a little and turned around to meet Bellamy’s desperate gaze. That was the sight that almost broke her strong resolve, but then again, it hadn’t.

“ _Clarke_ ” was the only thing he uttered as his tears spilled silently. It was one word, her name of all things, but she heard the thousands of meanings behind it. She heard them and yet, it hadn’t changed her mind. She needed to go through with this and seeing his pleading face was not going to make what needed to be done any easier. It would be best to make sure he thought she was fine, it would make leaving him a little bit more simple. So she did what she had to do. She pulled his hand off her arm and gave him nothing more than a small nod and a curt smile that didn’t meet her eyes before turning around again and walking swiftly out the door.

The second Clarke left the room, she had refused to look back and let her feet carry her on autopilot to a place she knew would be empty. Just past medical there was a small space between the outer gate and a clump of incomplete housing units where no one usually was. She walked behind the half built structures and did a quick sweep to confirm the area was in fact deserted before letting herself fall apart. She fell to her knees and wept.

She cried for the pain she caused Bellamy, Madi and so many more. She cried for the deaths of her mother and Monty and Harper all of which she never got to say a proper goodbye to. She cried at her failure to do what she had to do. _How had things managed to get this bad?_ She asked herself. Jackson had released her early as promised and she had her emotional reunion with Madi who had just left for training when _he_ showed up. Clarke knew he’d try to talk eventually but nothing could prepare her for that painful and fairly one sided conversation.

Life on the ark felt like a whole different existence, it wasn’t perfect but it was peaceful for her, no death. Not until her father was floated and she was put in solitary, from then on everything had changed. At the mere age of 17 she was forced into the role of _Wanheda, the commander of death,_ and from then on, the shadow of death was never far behind her. Even in the 6 years where her and her child were the sole survivors on Earth’s surface, she was constantly reminded of the hundreds of deaths leading up to that.

When he confronted her, Clarke wanted nothing then to break apart into his arms.

 _I’m broken!_ She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs. She wanted him to help put her pieces back together but she knew it was too late for that, she wasn’t going to be selfish this time. So she held her composure and acted like nothing was wrong for as long as she could. It was going to be harder to go through with it now that she’d seen them, Bellamy and Madi.

Clarke never really felt like she had anybody but them and when she knew that was gone, it was much easier to convince herself it’d be better to just end it then. Now that she’d seen them again, held her daughter in her arms, watched the tears spill over Bell’s eyes, something didn’t feel the same.

Clarke took a couple steadying breathes and wiped the silent tears trailing down her cheeks. She did a quick sweep of the area to make sure no one was near before standing up and walking swiftly towards the market area. After arriving at the trade centre, she made a beeline for the building she was all to familiar with. _Moonshine._ If she couldn’t confess everything to Bellamy, she might as well drown her sorrows in mind numbing alcohol. Clarke took a seat at the makeshift bar they’d constructed in their weeks of being here and signalled to the barkeep for a drink.

The bar was fairly empty as it was still early morning and everyone else seemed to have something important to do, _not her._ She thought bitterly as the alcohol began to affect her. It had been hours of sitting at the bar, head in her hands, downing drink after drink when she heard a familiar voice.

“Really Clarke, day drinking?” Murphy laughed with a sour tone. “And here I was thinking I was the fucked up one.” He took a seat next to her’s and signalled for a drink of his own. Clarke said nothing, her head on the table, and if not for the soft flutter of her eyes, Murphy would’ve thought she’d blacked out. _To be fair, she wasn’t far from it._ They sat in silence for a little while before Murphy spoke up again.

“Why’re you doing this Clarke?” He asked with what could’ve been concern or annoyance in his voice, she was too drunk to tell or care. She still said nothing. “Why’d you do it?” He asked at her lack of response. At this her interest was slightly peaked and she lifted her head to face him.

“Do what?” She asked obviously quite drunk as her words slurred together.

“Leave,” he paused. “again.” He said. She tore away her eyes and focused them on the empty glass in front of her.

“What’s it to you?” She asked tapping her finger on the glass and nodding towards the bartender. The man serving her drinks looked hesitant before meeting Murphy’s eyes instead of her own. Clarke sighed as she saw the shake of his head. Murphy gave the man a look she couldn’t place, most likely due to the alcohol clouding her brain.

“Us cockroaches gotta stick together.” Was all he said back, cracking a hesitant smile. When she didn’t show any sign of laughter he spoke again in a more serious tone. “And besides, we haven’t really been able to talk much since… _everything._ ” He said. “Clarke about what happened back on Earth,” she sighed at this not excited to be told she was a traitor yet again. “I stick by what I said, you made the wrong choice,” she shook her head hearing the familiar blame being passed to her. “But I understand why you did it now, and I’m sorry I guess.” He said taking a swing of his drink.

That caught her attention and she met his eyes, furrowing her brow in confusion. “You’re sorry?” She questioned and he nodded. Clarke looked back down to her empty glass. “I’m sorry too.” She said with sadness laced between her words, it was true, she never wanted to hurt anyone but she needed to protect her daughter, her only family. After sitting for another minute in tense silence, she realized she wasn’t getting another drink anytime soon.

Clarke tried to stand up and began stumbling around her chair. As she turned her back away from him to make her way out of the building, Murphy grabbed her arm, not unlike how Bellamy had that very morning. The memory alone brought tears to her eyes. She took a deep breath and turned back around to face him.

“During the eclipse,” her heart skipped at beat at his words. “Clarke do you wanna talk about it?” She swallowed back the bile rising in her throat and gently shook her head no.

“I’m _fine_.” She told him and his face softened at her words but gave her an understanding nod. She felt his gaze on her as she stumbled out of the building, her own words repeating in her head like a mantra.

_I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine._

Truth was, she wasn’t _fine._ She’d be fine when she could get over herself and just end it already. It was the only way.

Clarke stumbled back towards her cabin not even noticing all the weird looks she was getting. She opened the door to the empty room and almost immediately collapsed onto the bed and passed out. It was a couple hours later when her eyes fluttered open to the bright light and a killer headache. There was one other thing too, _he_ was sitting there with his head in his hands. He sat up straight when he saw he eyes beginning to open.

“ _Clarke, this has to stop_.” He said sadly, shaking his head.


	7. Truth Hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU CONTINUE TO THE CHAPTER! Hello to all you lovely people! I just want to start off by saying a huge thank you to everyone reading, the support has been amazing lately and I'm eternally grateful! Secondly I want to apologize for the delay and how long it's been since the last update. I want to give ya'll a bit of an explanation. I got very busy with school firstly but then had an AP exam that malfunctioned due to a glitch in the College Board system and now I have to rewrite it soon so that whole mess has taken up so much time! After that, I got sick and I'm glad to say I'm better now but it wasn't really possible to write during that time! Once again I'm so sorry and just a warning that the next chapter might take a little while as well but I'll do my best! Lastly, please check out @bellarke.the100.ship on instagram because that'd be awesome :) Anyways thanks for taking the time to read this, the chapter is filled with lots of angst but I PROMISE happiness soon!!! Finally, please continue to leave comments because they honestly make my day <3 I love you all so much and enjoy!!!

Chapter 7

Clarke’s Pov

“ _Clarke, this has got to stop_.” He said softly shaking his head.

Through the headache that was starting to hit her, she managed to get out a couple words. “B-Bellamy why are you here?” She asked sheepishly, still groggy from her sleep. His face seemed to sadden and he took a breath before speaking.

“Look Clarke they’re people worried about you.” He said not really answering her question but she still understood. Her face flashed with realization before asking for confirmation.

“ _Murphy?_ ” She asked wearily as the events of the earlier morning came flooding back. He said nothing but gave her a slight nod and she knew she was right. “Look, I’m sorry he called you Bellamy. Really there’s nothing to worry about. I’m fi-“ she started.

“Clarke stop!” He yelled in anger cutting her off as he stood from his seat at the wall. “Just stop.” He said softer this time. “Please.” She wanted to continue, get him out as soon as possible but the pleading in his voice and eyes stopped her. He gauged her reaction before continuing.

“Clarke you’re not fine.” He said with a sigh while her heart beat a million miles an hour. “And that’s ok, but you can’t keep pretending you are.” He finally met her eyes and she held his tense gaze. “I can help you,” he spoke softly. “But only if you let me.” He whispered.

Maybe it was the desperate, pleading look in his eyes or the remnants of the alcohol she’d downed earlier still in her system, but something felt different this time. She tried and willed herself to keep up her walls for just a bit longer, till she could get away. That’s what her head told her to do, it was the right thing, the smart thing. But in this moment Clarke couldn’t think with her head, only with her heart.

At once, her resolve broke and all the emotions she was trying so desperately to keep bottled up since before Praimfaya came flooding out. She felt the tears streaming from her eyes and the laboured breaths just as quickly as he felt him rush to her side. Within a second Bellamy’s arms were enveloping Clarke and for a brief moment in the chaos, almost so small she didn’t recognize it, she felt at peace. Then reality set right back in.

Clarke let the sobs wrack out and felt her body collapse into Bellamy. She felt his arms rub soothing circles on her lower back. They had stayed like that for a little while before Clarke tried to speak.

“I-I I’m-“ she tried to get the words out between her cries.

“Shhh, I know, I know.” He whispered his comforting words to her. After what felt like forever Clarke sobs had turned to silent tears running down her cheeks. She took a couple deep breaths before trying to speak.

“I’m broken.” He pulled back to look her in the eyes but didn’t let his touch fade. She felt the heaviness that his words held as he spoke.

“Aren’t we all a little broken?” He asked with that sad smile of his she knew all too well. She pulled away from his touch and stood up but didn’t miss the way his arms flinched towards her. Clarke wiped her flowing tears and let her gaze fall back to the floor.

“You don’t get it Bellamy. I think it’s too far this time, I don’t think there’s any coming back from this. I was too weak to do what needed to be done and so I need you to just stay away and take Madi with you please. I’ll move to the edge of the compound and Madi can live with Gaia.” She brought her eyes up to meet his expecting to see that all too familiar sadness but her heart dropped a bit when she realized his expression was laced with anger instead. She took a tentative step back as she tried to gauge his reaction through the unbearable silence. He stood up from the bedside, brown eyes never once leaving her blue ones.

“No.” Was all he said but she could hear the thousands of meanings behind the single word and the stone cold voice. Yet, she still tried to reason with him.

“Bell I think-“ she began but was quickly cut off by the man in front of her.

“I said no Clarke.” He said as he took a step towards her. “I’m sick and tired of tip toeing around this bullshit.” He said softly with an anger in his voice like none other. “I lost you but I got you back. Then Clarke, you put a gun to your head on that ship. Less than a month ago I found you passed out with a bottle of pills. You show up to the bonfire drunk and then you runaway. After a _week_ of searching nonstop, I find you in that cave with once again a gun pressed to your temple about to take your own life. Then I shot you, I did, but I got you back.” He shuddered. “Now I hear from Murphy you’re day drinking and you won’t even talk to me.” He took a deep breath, the silence thick with tension. “You can’t keep pushing everyone away Clarke, you can’t keep pushing me away.” He said as the anger in his voice turned to sadness. For a moment the room was silent except for the sound of both their deep breathes. Then Clarke snapped.

“What do you want say?!” She screamed. “What do you want me to say Bellamy!? I told you I’m broken! I don’t know how to fix it this time!” She yelled. Silence enclosed them once again. “What do you wanna hear? Huh? That I need you? That I don’t wanna kill myself?! That every time I look in the mirror I don’t see the faces of those I’ve lost?! Those I’ve killed?!” She let her words echo for a moment before finishing. “Because if that’s what you want to hear, you’re talking to the wrong girl. I’ve done so many bad things Bellamy, but I won’t lie to you, not anymore.” She said staring into his teary eyes. Clarke waited for him to yell back or to storm out but he did neither. Before she knew what was happening she was in his arms again. This time it felt different, certain. She let herself relax into him.

“All I want from you is the truth.” He whispered softly into her ear. “I promise Clarke, I’m not leaving you.” He said definitively. “Please just let me in.” He pleaded gently.

She didn’t think she had it in her to respond so she let the nod of her head into his shoulder tell him. She knew he felt it, knew he understood, he always did. With her eyes still closed she let the tears spill down her cheeks and onto his shoulder. Even though nothing was okay, something in her told her it would be, they would be.

After that, her memory was a little fuzzy. All she knew for certain was the tears that came, the comforting words he whispered to her and the way his arms felt wrapped tightly around her. Him tucking her into the bed and pressing a light kiss to her forehead once he thought she was asleep, she wasn’t.

Clarke didn’t know how long she was sleeping but a soft knocking at the door woke her up. She let her eyes flutter open expecting to be alone and she was a little surprised to see his presence by the door. He cracked it open slightly and she heard him whisper something along the lines of;

“Stay with Gaia for the night.”

_Madi._ She thought solemnly. Her heart ached for the young girl who had been through so much lately, who Clarke had put through so much. She didn’t notice the tears welling up in her eyes until he was back at her side, hands on her shoulders. After taking a deep breath, she let out her shaky voice.

“You’re still here?” She asked refusing to meet his eyes.

“I told you Clarke, I’m not leaving you.” Her heart fluttered as she squeezed her eyes shut. _No. S_ _he shouldn’t be feeling this way, she had no right to feel this way. After everything she had no right to feel happy, even if it was just a speck. So many people had died because of her, she was meant to die too. Narrowly escaping the grasp of death one too many times. She was supossed to end it, keep them safe, let go of her feelings, it’d all be easier that way._

His words interrupted her self loathing.

“Talk to me Clarke.” He said kindly. That got her attention and brought her eyes to meet his. She lightly shook her head and gave him her signature sad smile.

“It’s nothing.” She lied.

“Clarke, I told you, I want to be here for you but I need the truth.” He pleaded with her and broke through as she sighed.

“So many people Bell,” she whispered. “So many people dead. It should’ve been me.” She bowed her head in shame. He took a seat at the edge of the bed and sighed loudly.

“Clarke don’t say that.” He said sadly.

“Why not?” She questioned looking up to see his concerned eyes on hers. “You of all people should know it’s true. I’ve been living on borrowed air since the moment I got sentenced to death on the Ark. I guess that air is just finally running out.” She shrugged.

“What about me then? Everything we’ve done, every hard decision we’ve made, we did it together. You lost me for 6 years and I lost you. Clarke, you don’t have to bare the weight of the world alone anymore.” He tried to reason with her but it was no match for the words already slipping out of her mouth.

“It’s different.” She said just above a whisper.

“How?” He questioned furrowing his brow.

“You had her.” She said tearing away her eyes before it became too much to handle.

_____________________________________________

Bellamy’s Pov

Her words felt like a punch to the gut. Worse than the pain of any knife wound, acid rain or beating he’d ever taken. What made it so much worse though was that it was true.

His relationship with Clarke had always been something indescribable. In the beginning they were always at each other’s throats but somewhere along the line, enemies morphed to co-leaders and then to friends. Before he knew it Clarke was his person. Their relationship wasn’t romantic but it was sure as hell not platonic. The term best friends felt too shallow to describe the complexity of _them_ so he never really knew what they were to each other.

It was hard to label a relationship built through pain, violence, war and chaos. If everything was different, if the Ark wasn’t dying, if they lived out their lives on the floating chunk of metal in space and met there, he knew they could’ve never become what they had. Some how through all the pain and loss, she managed to worm her way into his heart that he believed only had room for his sister in his mother. He was wrong.

From then on no matter what, whether she hated him, left him, betrayed him or had simply been done with him, that piece of his heart was always left open for her. Leaving her to die on Earth, or so he thought, had almost destroyed him. That piece of his heart would always belong to her but she was gone and he felt empty. Like a mere shell of a person. So he did what his heart wanted to tried to fill that void.

He filled it with Echo or at least he tried. But like a piece from a different puzzle, she could never fill the empty space in his heart saved for Clarke Griffin, no matter what he told himself. In all honesty, Bellamy Blake just wanted to feel whole again but deep down he knew he never could without her. The problem was, she didn’t know. The problem was Clarke truly believed he had replaced her with Echo.

“ _Clarke_ ” he said in a strained voice as he watched a million emotions fly across her face.

“No no I’m sorry Bell. I shouldn’t have said that, it wasn’t my place.” She frantically apologized as her face turned a deep shade of pink.

“Hey don’t apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for. Echo and I-“ He started with a breath but was quickly cut off.

“No! You don’t owe be an explanation Bellamy.” She shook her head while he moved closer to her on the bed.

“I know,” he paused. “But I want to give you one.” That caught her attention as she looked into his eyes. It was different though, it was more than meeting his gaze, her eyes were _searching_ his own. _If only he knew what they were looking for._

“Leaving you to die destroyed me Clarke.” He shook his head. “For so long I stuck to myself and wouldn’t let anyone in. It was Echo who convinced me to get my head out of my ass. I thought it was what you would’ve wanted. You told me to use my head and not my heart and I wasn’t about to dishonour what I thought were your last wishes.” He looked at her and swore he saw the slightest bit of a smile forming but maybe it was just a trick of the light.

“We started training together and eventually became good friends until it evolved into something more.” He heard her take a deep breath. “What I had with Echo was real but it wasn’t what I truly needed, not anymore.” He sighed hoping she could understand. He waited in the tense silence for a moment before she broke it.

“Had?” She questioned and Bellamy brought his hand to his head.

“We broke it off, just after you left.” He said shaking his head slightly.

“I’m sorry.” He heard her say in a soft voice barely above a whisper, it was so unlike Clarke.

“Nothing to be sorry for.” He said with a sad smile in her direction.

Once again a thick silence enveloped the small room. Bellamy took the time to look around and take in his surroundings. _When had it gotten so dark?_ He thought inwardly. He shifted his weight and felt her eyes on him as he stood up from the bed.

“You should get some sleep Clarke, you look like crap.” He tried to crack a joke and she smiled in response, shaking her head slightly. “I’ll see you in the morning?” He asked with a nervous flutter in his heart scared of the what if. _What if she wasn’t here in the morning? She wouldn’t leave again right? Not after all this?_ He took a reassuring breath and tried to forget the doubts that haunted him. She gave him a slight nod and bid him goodnight before he turned to make his way our the door.

“Wait.” She called out just as he was about to leave. He turned around to face her. “If you and Echo...” she paused, “you know.” She said trying to brush over the touchy subject. “Jackson said you’d been staying here, with Madi, while I was gone?” She looked at him for confirmation and he gave a small nod in response. “What now?” She asked. Bellamy shifted awkwardly and furrowed his brow.

“I’m sorry?” He asked trying to clarify what she meant.

“I just mean where are you staying now that I’m back?” Bellamy searched his mind for an answer he hadn’t prepared because he never thought she would ask.

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll just crash with Raven or someone.” It was a lie, he planned on staying in the training centre. She didn’t know this though and didn’t miss the way her face fell at the other girls name “I mean not like that but you know-” he started.

“You could stay here.” She cut him off with a quiet voice. Bellamy was silent for a moment not sure if he her heard right.

“What?” He asked after the moment passed.

“I mean you don’t have to of course. I just meant if you had no where else to go you’re welcome here." She paused and the room was silent for a short moment "You know what, forget I said anything it was a stupid idea-” she was rambling and for the first time in a long while, Bellamy found a genuine smile cross his face. After all, he didn’t want to leave her again, he wanted to be there for here and staying the night would only help with that.

“Are you sure?” He asked confirming it was alright with her. The last thing he wanted to do was make her feel uncomfortable. She quieted down and gave him a kind nod. “Alright, thank you Clarke.” She just gave him a reassuring but small smile as he made his way to the area next to her bed. He removed his jacket and rolled it up making a make shift pillow for himself like he had been for the past week, sharing the room with Madi. He put it down on the ground and began to lay down but was interrupted by Clarke’s voice.

“What’re you doing?” She asked with her brow furrowed in slight confusion.

“Laying down, why do you need something?” He asked beginning to stand back up to get her what she wanted.

“No, no I mean..” she stumbled on her words. “Bell I’m not gonna let you sleep on the floor.” She said with a noticeable determination in her voice. He stood up and looked at her confused.

“Clarke if you think there’s any chance I’m gonna take the bed and let you sleep on the ground, maybe we should take you back to see Jackson.” He chuckled. Clarke rolled her eyes and it only widened his own smile.

“We can share?” She asked quietly. At this Bellamy’s heart dropped a little. They were both adults, it didn’t have to mean anything. Bellamy tried to tell himself but that didn’t stop the feeling in his heart. He nodded to her.

“Are you sure?” He found himself asking once again unsure of the idea and weary of making her feel uncomfortable.

“Ya I mean there’s plenty of room for both of us.” She nodded. After a moment of careful consideration he agreed. _What’s the worst that could happen?_ Bellamy asked himself. He climbed into the bed and made sure to leave as much room as possible between himself and her, lying at the very edge.

“Good night Bell.” She said with her eyes shut.

“Good night princess.” He found himself whispering into the night after he heard her breathing even out, exhaustion finally catching up to her.

When Bellamy woke up that morning to a warm figure wrapped tightly in his arms, he found his question from the night before being answered. _What’s the worst that could happen?_


	8. You'll Never Admit It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone here's an update! Once again sorry for the long waits it's finals time in school and life is kinda stressful but once summer hits, expect updates much more frequently! Enjoy this chapter and please let me know what you think by dropping a comment below, it means the world to me! Thank you all!!!

Clarke’s Pov

Clarke’s eyes fluttered open to the bright sun shining through into her cabin. Starting to feel the remaining affects of yesterday’s drinking, she quickly shut them again. She felt a cold shiver come over her which was weird because she could’ve sworn that she felt incredibly warm and cozy through the night, maybe it was just her dreams though. 

With her eyes still shut she reached a hand over blindly towards the bedside table hoping to find a glass of water. Instead, before even reaching the table her arm crashed into something solid, _no scratch that_ , someone solid. She wouldn’t have worried if not for the fact that this someone’s arm felt much too large to belong to Madi.

Immediately Clarke’s eyes shot open as she sat up as fast as she could scrambling to get out of the bed and ready to attack. Her brain, still hazy from sleep, took a moment to register that the someone who’d shot up immediately trying to calm her down was in fact Bellamy Blake. The second she realized, she let her guard down and started apologizing.

The memories of yesterday had seemingly come back to her at once as she felt the regret and fear wash over her. She had been vulnerable yesterday, she’d told him almost everything and he stuck around. Granted last night had done nothing to ease the fear that she’d only hurt those she was close to, primarily meaning Bell and Madi. However, she had to admit it did feel nice to get a little bit of the burden off her chest that she’d felt crushing her slowly but surely, like an invisible weight for so long.

“Clarke don’t worry about it. Are you sure you’re okay?” Snapped her out of her train of thought, he was comforting her, of course he was comforting her even when she didn’t deserve it. She took a minute to look over his face riddled with concern before responding. This was one of the last things she wanted. When you’re vulnerable with someone, you show them weakness, she couldn’t afford that. She trusted Bellamy would never purposely hurt her but that’s not what worried her with him. What worried her were the pitying looks she knew were already coming her way. Telling Bellamy everything she did made her seem weak and now a man who’d once been her partner, her equal, would see her as nothing more than a sad and damaged little girl. That’s the part that scared her the most.

“Clarke?” His sturdy voice questioned once again at her silence.

“Oh ya yes, I’m fine…” She trailed off. He looked unconvinced. “It was nothing Bellamy, I guess I just forgot you stayed over, it scared me that’s it.” She told him refusing to meet his eye, knowing the sad look that was inevitably awaiting her.

“Alright,” he agreed wearily, knowing he wasn’t getting anything better than that, not now at least. “Why don’t you head back to bed Clarke, it’s still early and you could really use the rest.” He suggested clearly hoping she’d listen. She knew there was no point in arguing, truth be told, the past couple weeks were catching up to her. She’d already lost whatever sense of dignity she thought she had left so she’d just agreed climbing back into bed. Clarke was about to shut her eyes when she heard the scuff of a pair of boots being put on and started to internally panic. 

“Stay” she said unclear of whether it was a question or a statement, maybe both, but in the moment she didn’t care. Flashes of a similar question from the night before struck her.

_You could stay here_

Bellamy’s head flipped around at her words, eyes holding her gaze with an intense stare. After a long moment he’d finally spoken. “ _Clarke_ ” was all he said, echoing her name back to her. That may’ve been what it sounded to another but to Clarke it was so much more. It was a thousand unanswered questions, it was regret, guilt, _I’m sorry for leaving you_ , fear, pain, _I’m not losing you again_ , caring, longing and dare she even think a little bit more than years and years of just _friendship_.

Clarke knew it was unfair of her to ask, it was selfish, he had responsibilities, people who loved him, a family, a life but that little voice in the back of her head didn’t seem to mind. “You don’t have to sleep,” she said staring down at the empty space on the bed beside her. “Just please don’t leave me, I’m not sure if I can be alone right now.” She managed to get that out, just barely above a whisper. His intense gaze softened a bit and he gave her what she interpreted to be an understanding, yet curt nod. Bellamy walked back towards her and she couldn’t deny the small sting in her chest when he made a beeline for the chair opposite the bed. She’d never show him that though, she’d already asked too much of him and Clarke decided a long time ago that she’d take what she could get when it came to Bellamy.

When he’d settled down into the chair she’d finally closed her eyes again and it wasn’t long before her breathing became steady and dreams of peace and a new home flooded her mind. When she’d came to some time later, she wasn’t terribly surprised to see the chair across from the bed empty, not surprised, maybe just a little disappointed though. Those thoughts were almost instantly cleared from her mind when relief, followed by crushing guilt, filled her heart at the sight of the sleeping little girl beside her. She loved the girl so much and yet just a couple short days ago, and somewhere inside her she still was, ready to leave the young girl to brave this new world alone, what kind of mother was she? Madi was pretty much her whole world and Clarke still believed in her heart of hearts that she was better off without her.

Those six years alone together, Clarke had been good for her because she had no one else. She did her best to raise the strong girl but constantly feared she was messing something up. Once they got to know each other they had lots of good days but there were still some bad ones. The days where Madi would lash out at Clarke or vice versa and Clarke would take a trip to the river far enough away from camp for her to let it all out. On those days she’d let the sound of the rushing water mask the sounds of her sobs as she cried and cried hoping to alleviate some of the pain.

She’d cry of her friends in space praying they were alive. She’d cry for her people left out to die in praimfaya. She’d cry for her mother and friends locked in a bunker underground for years and years. She’d cry for Madi, a young girl who’d known nothing but hiding until she lost her whole world and was left to survive an irradiated planet alone with no one but Clarke to guide her. Mostly, she’d cried for herself. Clarke Griffin had lost her father, been imprisoned, sent down to earth to die, been at war, watched friends die, been left alone to die on a radiation soaked planet for five years and been thrown into the role of a mother all while she was still just a teenager herself. After the first stretch of praimfaya she’d found Madi and was no longer alone but as much as she loved the girl, Madi was a young child and she couldn’t put her burdens onto the girl she now saw as her daughter. Sometimes in the those six years with Madi, she’d felt more alone than ever before but she’d never let that show, she was always and would always be strong for her daughter. And yet, she’d failed. Maybe she just wasn’t strong enough.

She wiped the stray tears from her cheeks as she brought her hand to Madi’s face tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. The younger girl started and stir and eventually her eyes fluttered open to meet the pair of blue ones watching her fondly.

“Clarke” she choked out in her sleepy state.

“Hey” she whispered out in a soothing voice. Neither of the two said anything both just moved silently towards each other as Clarke enveloped the smaller girl in her arms, Madi tucking her head into Clarke’s chest. They stayed like that for a couple moments, just happy to be in each other’s presence. Madi was the first to break the silence.

“I missed you.” She said quietly not yet pulling away from Clarke’s arms. Hearing those words broke her heart a little and she closed her eyes to stop the silent tears from falling as she tightened her grip around Madi. After a moment she pulled away and they both sat up on the bed before Clarke spoke.

“I know and I’m so sorry for leaving you my little natblida.” She said with a sad smile running her hand soothingly up and down Madi’s arm.

“Why did you leave Clarke?” She paused as Clarke’s face morphed into a somewhat fearful state. “Bellamy refused to tell me anything, one day you were here and then you were gone and then you were back being rushed into the infirmary for Dr. Jackson to help you get better.” Clarke opened her mouth to speak but no words came out.

“Madi I- it’s complicated.” She stuttered out hoping the girl would leave it alone but knowing she wouldn’t.

“I’m not a child anymore Clarke, whatever it is, I can handle it.” The girl insisted. Knowing her daughter, shewasn’t going to let this go until she had some answers.

“You know I love you so much.” Clarke started with a sigh. Madi nodded confused to where this was going. “But sometimes people get sick.” She tried to explain.

“Like when I got the flu back in Eden?” Madi asked trying to understand. Clarke shook her head with a sigh.

“No not sick like that, sick like with their minds.” She tried to explain.

“And you got sick like that?” Madi asked clearly a little uncertain. Clarke nodded slowly.

“I did, and I had to leave for a little while because of it but now I’m back.” She said trying to reassure the girl.

“And you’re better now?” Madi asked hope clear in her voice.

“No, I’m not but, I’m trying to be. It’s nothing you have to worry about though.” She told Madi with a sad smile. The young girl jumped into Clarke’s arms and held her tight.

“Just please don’t leave me again.” She asked with a small voice. Clarke couldn’t bring herself to say anything so she nodded into Madi’s shoulder and tightened her grip around the girl as if to say _I won’t, I promise_. If only she could say those words aloud.

_____________________________________________

Bellamy’s Pov

Waking up with Clarke Griffin wrapped tightly in his arms had been a dream and a nightmare all rolled into one. It also served to bring up some old feelings he’d been surprising for so long and even now refused to acknowledge. When he woke up, Bellamy felt a wave of happiness like he hand’t in so very long but that short lived moment of calm was quickly interrupted by the storm of panic he felt. As gently as he could he’d untangled their limbs and softly removed his arms from around her. Every time she stirred his heart dropped out of his chest a little more.

After finally managing to separate himself from her, he rolled to the farthest edge of the bed and faced towards the wall. He laid on his side for the next hour, eyes wide open, doing everything he could to ignore how he missed the feeling of her in his arms. With his mind going crazy with all the thoughts he would never voice, he didn’t realize she was awake until her arm hit his and she was up and ready to fight him. He’d calmed her down and convinced her to go back to bed and was ready to make his way out when she asked him to stay again.

Bellamy was scared. Scared that it would happen again, scared that it wouldn’t, scared of what it meant or if it meant nothing at all but with all of that, he could never really say no to her. So he agreed to stay but instead took the chair as he watched her fall asleep, not wanting to have any of his previous questions answered. He sat with her in silence with his thoughts scrambling for about 20 minutes before there was a soft knock at the door, similar to the one of last night. He opened the door to see just who he was expecting, Madi.

Madi had stayed over at Gaia’s last night like he asked and was desperate to see Clarke again and just like with Clarke, he found himself unable to say no to her. She walked into the room and gave Bellamy a quick hug as he said goodbye and watched her climb into bed with Clarke and close her eyes to fall asleep. Bellamy paused a moment to look at the two girls lying peacefully on the bed behind him. He took a minute and looked at the younger girl, just like Clarke had, it seemed like Madi had somehow found a space in his heart as well. He didn’t know when it happened but the young girl was important to him and as long as he was alive, he knew he wouldn’t let anything happen to her.

As he walked out the door and into the little village him and his people had created he let himself breathe for a moment. Clarke Griffin was the strongest women he knew and to see her so broken and so pained broke his heart. What hurt more though was that he hadn’t noticed or even if he had, he let himself distance from her after everything they’d been through. He never meant for it to happen. Losing Clarke for what felt like the 100th time nearly broke him for good and when he finally got her back and everything was over, they sort of just drifted. More accurately, he drifted. Bellamy let himself be swept away by his other friends and family, help establish their new society and he knew what was happening but he still let it, he let Clarke be sidelined, forgotten even. He couldn’t even believe he let it get so bad that she thought she wasn’t needed, she thought that they were better off without her, that _he_ was better off without her. That was so far from the truth, for Bellamy, a world without Clarke Griffin was a world he didn’t want to be apart of.

Bellamy shook off his thoughts of self-loathing and decided to make himself useful hoping that maybe it would help distract him for the time being. He was well on his way to headquarters when he’d snapped out of his trance, his legs making the trip automatically after doing it so many timed before. He pushed through the doors to see a group of familiar faces huddled around the main table. Murphy, Emori, Raven and Echo all seemed to be arguing about residences or something like that but the conversation went silent when he walked in, all eyes trained on him. Murphy was the first to break the silence, stepping forward with a serious somewhat concerned look on his face.

“Is she alrig-”he started but was cut off by Bellamy’s quick mutter of confirmation and curt nod. He refused to meet Echo’s eyes which he felt burning a hole into his head and instead looked from Murphy to Emori to Raven. Raven was the next to speak up.

“Alright everyone has their tasks for the day so get to work, we don’t have much time.” She said calmly turning back to rest of the group who quickly scattered at her command. Everyone began to clear out and go their separate directions, Murphy giving him an apologetic glance on the way out, leaving just him, Raven and a tense silence surrounding them.

“Bellamy can we talk?” She asked him with a look of concern spread across her face.

“You just did.” He said gruffly with his arms folded across his chest. She held his gaze for a moment before speaking again.

“I- I’m sorry.” She said seeming sincere but he wasn’t having it.

“I’m not the one you need to be apologizing too.” He said rather abruptly. Her face fell at his words into a mix of annoyance, anger and confusion.

“I’m sorry about Clarke but you can’t expect me to just forgive her!” Raven yelled back to him. He stayed silent, standing tall, arms crossed. “Bellamy she left you to die in the fighting pits! Because of her Shaw is dead! Clarke Griffin has more blood on her hands than all of us combined! How could you just forgive her after all that?” She yelled again tears welling up in her eyes. Bellamy stayed silent for a moment, trying to compose himself.

“She left me in the fighting pits after I betrayed her trust and put her daughter’s life in danger, the one person I told her I’d keep safe. She was alone for over six years Raven! Six years! I threatened the life of the one person she thought she had left so yes even if it wasn’t the best call, I forgave her for that! You can’t hold a grudge on my behalf Raven, that’s not fair to anyone. And Shaw? Shaw was a good man but he died in a complete accident and it could’ve been any one of us, Clarke ran right into that radiation shield with no regard for her own life trying to save him and us all. If not for Clarke we all would’ve died then. If not for Clarke we all would’ve died a 100 times over. We always put the hard choices on her and blame her when she makes them. If you were forced into her position you would’ve had just as much blood on your hands if not more. Raven, Shaw’s last words were that you deserved happiness, you’ll never truly be happy holding a grudge, especially one you know deep down is not right.” He pleaded with her while tears were freely streaming down both their cheeks.

“Bellamy I-” she started with a shaky voice.

“No Raven, I’m sorry but I don’t want to hear it. If you want to make things right, you know what you have to do.” He said firmly before turning around and leaving Raven standing there slack jawed and tears falling. _Maybe being at head quarter was not the best idea today_. He thought to himself as he walked out and decided to make his way towards O’s cabin, hoping there was something he could help her with there.

At the moment, talking things out with Echo was off the table. Even if he didn’t truly love her like a partner should, she was still family and he knew they would need to work things out eventually. Bellamy didn’t think he would ever forgive her for what she did and said to Clarke but maybe things would change one day. He wasn’t too happy with Murphy but he honestly couldn’t blame him seeing as Bellamy had left out Clarke just as much as he himself had. Emori never really had a connection to Clarke and for the most part followed suit with Murphy so he felt the same way about her. Raven was who he had a problem with for the time being, but he’d said what he needed to say and he just hoped she’d come to her senses, get off her high horse and talk to Clarke.

By the time he finished his fuming, Bellamy had reached his sister’s cabin. Bringing one hand up, he knocked gently on the brown wooden door and waiting for a response, hoping she was home. After a couple short moments the door flung open revealing his sister on the other side.

“Bell,” she paused and smiled. _It was nice to see his sister happy for a change._ “what’s up?” She asked still smiling.

“Nothing really, that’s the problem. I came by to see if I could help you with anything.” He laughed, it felt good to laugh.

“Clarke?” She asked. Even though it wasn’t quite a question, Bellamy knew what his sister meant. _Why aren’t you with her?_

“She’s asleep right now, with Madi.” He explained and she nodded understanding.

“Alright well I was just about to head down to the market to pick some things up if you’d like to come? We could get some fruits and veggies and make breakfast together like the old days.” She smiled to him. Bellamy felt her smile spreading to his face picturing nine year old Octavia trying to cut up an onion and failing miserably.

“I’d like that.” He nodded happily as they began walking down the path towards the market area making light conversation along the way. During those six years in space, he missed his sister like crazy. Coming back down again only to find out she had become someone, _something_ , completely different to the young Octavia he helped raise and protect, shattered him. He was forever grateful to have _his_ Octavia back in his life and he’d made a vow to himself he wasn’t going to waste what time they had together, he wanted things to go back to normal and they did. Octavia was doing a lot better living in peace, not having to lead thousands of angry and scared people.

They’d picked out a couple veggies and fruits to cook with and also some scrap wood to fix up a broken chair leg in Octavia’s cabin. The fruit and veggies on Sanctum were different to the one’s they had on earth and the ark but after being here for a couple months they’d managed to work out what they liked and what they didn’t. After they picked up what they needed from the market, the Blake siblings began their walk back to Octavia’s cabin exchanging pleasant small talk.

When they entered the cabin Octavia went to work on preparing breakfast claiming she wanted to surprise Bell while she sent him off to fix up her broken chair leg. He managed to work out the problem and fix the chair fairly quickly so he made his way back outside to where Octavia had the fire going, to see if she needed any help finishing up breakfast. She set him to work chopping up some of the last veggies while she stirred the food she had over the fire, adding in what he gave her. They worked in silence but it was a comfortable silence, it was easy, peaceful.

Once her breakfast was finished she took it off the fire and dished it out into two plates as they made their way back inside to sit down and eat. Octavia had sautéed the vegetables in a delicious sauce that Bellamy had never even heard of. He had to admit it was the best tasting food he’d had in a long time.

“When did you learn to cook?” He asked his sister half jokingly while they ate their food. She looked up at him and smiled.

“While when you’re not constantly fighting for your life, you have to pick up some other hobbies to keep busy.” She laughed and he chuckled back. After another moment of silence, Octavia spoke again. “Look Bell as much as I love you and don’t get me wrong I do love spending time with you but can we talk about why you’re really here right now?” She said in a more serious tone.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about O, I just missed you and I wanted to spend some time together.” He spoke back denying the obvious truth they both knew.

“Come on Bell,” she said shaking her head and rolling her eyes at him. “Cut the crap.” He just sighed. “Look I know I don’t know exactly what happened with Clarke but I saw what her leaving again did to you, you may’ve been acting strong for Madi and in front of the others but I know you big brother, you were terrified. Then you came back with Clarke a week later with a bullet through her leg and you utterly freaking out. Now every time I’ve seen you since then you’ve seemed distant, acting like a scared child.” Bellamy dropped his head to his hands and Octavia reached over to put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Look Bell, I know you and Clarke have been through a lot together, I’ve pretty much seen it all.” She laughed slightly. “You guys have never had it easy, the world has never been kind to you but now you have peace and you have a chance. I get it, things are complicated, but I was there when we almost lost her for good and I saw what that did to you.” She moved her hand from his shoulder to his chin and brought his eyes up to meet her own. “Bell,” she started. “Don’t let your fear hold you back. Right now the universe has given you have a chance and who knows how long it will last, use it will you still can.” She urged him. He stayed silent for a minute before putting up his walls and beginning his denials.

“O, Clarke and I don’t like-” he started but was quickly cut off by Octavia’s unbelieving laugh.

“Alright big brother, I understand you can’t admit it to me right now, after all you probably can’t even admit it to yourself but don’t forget what I said Bell.” She told him not once breaking eye contact. Bellamy held her gaze for another moment debating in the silence whether or not to argue back. After a quick minute he cleared his throat and stood up from the chair, breaking his eyes away from his sister’s.

“I gotta go help Murphy with some things. Thanks for the food O.” He said picking up his plate and placing it on the counter refusing to look back at Octavia before leaving the cabin and walking down the path towards town. He ignored the distant call of his name coming from behind him as he willed himself to forget the words his sister had uttered barely even minutes ago. He refused to let himself think about what she had said because deep down he knew she was right and if she was right, there was only one thing Bellamy could do. The one thing he hadn’t let himself do since the moment he started to care about Clarke Griffin.


	9. Broken Sobs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I realize it's been like two months since my last update. Here is my official apology. I'd like to say that I'm super busy 24/7 and doing productive things with my times but that would be a complete lie. Truth be told I'm lazy and the biggest procrastinator I know. I will do my very best to motivate myself to write more but with that being said I rly hope you enjoy this chapter. I honestly had like 3/4 of it written for a month and just finished it now. My motivation to finish this chapter was from someone commenting on the last one name Liv asking for an update. Hope you enjoy Liv, this one is dedicated to you as you are the only reason I pushed myself to write tn! COMMENTS HELP PEOPLE SO TYSM TO THOSE OF YOU WHO LEAVE THEM IT MEANS SM TO ME. Without further ado, enjoy!

Clarke’s Pov

As disappointed as she was to see Bellamy gone when she woke up again, she was glad to have the chance to talk to Madi alone and just hold her daughter in her arms again after so long. Although she knew they’d have to talk about things eventually, Clarke would never be able to express the guilt she felt during that conversation with Madi. _How do you tell your 12 year daughter that you feel your life is no longer worth living?_ That was a question she still couldn’t answer but she did her best explaining things to Madi that morning.

After their rather difficult conversation, the two girls spent the rest of the morning lazing around in bed together and with everything going on, it was a nice break, a reminder of how great their lives were during those quiet 6 years. Admittedly things weren’t perfect on the ground and more often than not Clarke found herself longing for the company of her friends, one of them in particular, but what they did have on the ground was peace. The two girls were content living their lives together and holding onto the hope that one day her friends from space would come down, open the bunker, and they could all live happily ever after in the valley, like a family. Looking back on it, it was naive to believe that was ever possible but at the time, it was what they needed to believe.

Clarke rebraided Madi’s hair just how she liked it while she listened to her daughter talk about how much she was enjoying the newly opened school. For a couple brief seconds, it felt like the peace she had so desperately yearned for on earth but she knew it was just foolish to think like that. Clarke still felt like a threat to everyone around her, she still carried the weight of all the world’s sins on her shoulders, and not to mentioned the family she thought would be with her in the valley were mostly either dead or pretty much hated her guts. She didn’t blame them though, they had every right to be mad at her, she hated herself for those same reasons and more.

Around noon, Madi ran off to find Gaia to do some combat training but not before making Clarke promise that she’d be here when she came back for dinner. It broke her heart that her child was so scarred she was just going to leave and abandon her again but it’s not like she could blame her, it was her own doing. She spent the next half hour or so just sitting in the cabin and pondering her thoughts, before said thoughts were interrupted by a sharp knock on the cabin door.

She knew it was most likely Madi who had scurried off in such a rush and left something behind or Bellamy who had come to see how she was or maybe even Jackson coming to check on her still healing wound but it was none of them. The last person Clarke expected to see on the other side of that door was Raven Reyes, but there she was in the flesh wearing her signature red jacket and an uneasy expression guarding her face.

Clarke’s face fell. She really wasn’t in a good position to be reminded of all the bad things she’s done and all the people she’s hurt and she could think of no other reason why Raven would be standing in front of her right then. She didn’t voice any of those thoughts though, instead she just stared out in front of her dumbstruck and with her mouth hanging slightly open, wanting to say something, but having nothing to say. Raven spoke first.

“Clarke hey,” she said clearing her throat. “Um, can we talk?” She asked hesitantly. Of all the things Raven could’ve said, all the tones she could’ve used, that certainly wasn’t what Clarke was bracing herself to hear. She simply gave her a small nod and opened the door a little wider to invite her inside. Raven paused for second before walking inside while Clarke shut the door and followed suit. A tense silence filled the room for an awkward moment before Raven began to speak, still facing her back towards the other girl.

“You’ve done a lot of bad things Clarke.” She started and Clarke sighed, disappointed that she let herself hope, for even a second, that this conversation could’ve been about anything else.

“You’ve _hurt_ a lot of people.” She said, emphasizing the word. “How do you do it?” She asked in a mock-quizzical tone of voice.

“Raven look I-” She tried to speak but was quickly cut off.

“You got me tortured, you got Shaw tortured, you left Bellamy to _die_ in the fighting pits.” Yelled Raven as she finally turned around and looked Clarke dead in the eyes. “You’ve done all these horrible things and yet you still somehow have him right at your feet, offering up his forgiveness when God knows you don’t deserve it!”

“Don’t you think I know that!” Clarke yelled suddenly. She paused for a moment before continuing. “Don’t you think I know.” She repeated softer, tears filling her eyes, voice quivering as much as she tried to steady it. Raven simply furrowed her brow slightly as she continued to speak. “I know I don’t deserve his forgiveness Raven, I told him so myself.” She took a deep breath. “I used to try for so long to convince myself otherwise, try and convince myself that everything I did, I did to protect my people, I know that’s not true now. The people I love get hurt and it’s always my fault, I’m selfish. I don’t deserve anyone’s forgiveness least of all his or yours.”

“Bellamy is my family, and there was a time that you were as well.” Raven paused. “I- I don’t want to _hate_ you, I just can’t understand how you can do such horrible things. _The Clarke Griffin I knew_ would never have never let Shaw, an innocent man, get tortured. _The Clarke Griffin I knew_ would have never let them torture me and would’ve never left Bellamy to die.” She spoke softer with hurt and betrayal lining her voice. Clarke let out a hollow laugh and the tears in her eyes were now falling freely.

“Six years is a long time Raven, people change.” She spoke bitterly.

“You’re right.” She said cautiously. “You’re different now and, so am I. I’m sorry, I didn’t come here just to start something.” She paused. “Bellamy talked to me and although I don’t completely agree with everything he said, he made some good points.” Clarke tensed when she heard that, hoping that Bellamy didn’t mention any of her recent struggles to Raven. “I get why you let those things happen, if I’m being honest.” She ducked her head. “Things have never been easy for you Clarke. After everything you’d been through you were forced to become a mother when you were all alone and still a kid yourself. Madi’s great, and I get it now, she’s your daughter, you’d do anything to protect her. I get why you did the things that you did, I guess I just didn’t want to accept those reasons because that would mean that we don’t matter to you anymore Clarke, I don’t matter to you anymore.” She lifted her head and Clarke saw the fresh tears filling her eyes.

“I understand why you made the decisions you did Clarke. I can’t say that I completely agree with them or that I don’t blame you for any of it but I can say this.” She let out a deep breath. “For six years, I lived in a world where you were dead. A world where I spent pretty much every day regretting all the petty grievances between us, all the things I wish I could’ve said to you but I didn’t, regretting the way I made you feel and I don’t want to feel like that anymore.” She said as the tears streamed down her cheeks. “After almost losing you again, and again, I don’t want to let grudges control my life anymore. I really miss my friend and I know everything’s not okay between us, I know I’ve hurt you as well, but I don’t want it to be like that between us anymore. I want to fix things, I want my friend back” She said uncertainly, fiddling with her hands. Within seconds Clarke closed the distance between them, throwing her arms around a girl she once considered her family and in time, she would again.

“I’m sorry.” Raven whispered as her voice cracked into a sob and she closed her arms around the other girl. Clarke simply nodded into her shoulder, not trusting her voice at the moment. That moment seemed to last a lifetime. Clarke was just grateful to know that even if things weren’t good as new, her relationship with Raven could only go up from there. It felt nice to know definitively where she stood with someone for once. Her relationship with Bellamy was still rocky and uncertain, she never knew where they stood, Madi still didn’t trust her not to run off again and the rest of them looked at her in pity, anger or just straight out ignored her.

When they pulled away Raven was wiping her tears with her sleeve and giving Clarke a half hearted smile and she found herself returning the expression, not one of those fake smiles she was so used to putting on, but a genuine half hearted smile.

“I’m glad we talked.” Clarke said as the room once again filled with silence.

“Me too.” She said kindly. “I should uh - I should get going now, things to do.” Raven said as she shuffled towards the door.

“Ya of course, um I’ll see you around?” Clarke offered up hesitantly.

“Ya, ya sure.” Said Raven as she moved out the door. “Actually,” she paused and turned back to face Clarke. “Would you wanna, maybe meet me for lunch sometime? I know it’s sudden but we have lot’s of catching up to do right? You can tell me about Madi and the valley and I’ll tell you all about how much of a dick Murphy was for six years?” She let out an uneasy laugh and so did Clarke. “I mean if it’s too much I totally get it I just thought that-”

“I’d love to.” Clarke cut her off with another smile.

“Alright great, ya uh that’s great.” She said letting out a sigh of what sounded like relief and pulling Clarke into a quick hug before saying goodbye and heading off. Clarke shut the door and headed towards her bed, letting herself collapse into it. For the first time in a long time, the burden on her chest didn’t feel as heavy, she could breath a little easier as things seemed to be looking up for her. What she said to Raven, about not feeling like she deserved forgiveness, her’s, Bellamy’s, anyone’s, that was still true. What she said to Bellamy, about feeling like she was a threat to everyone and everything around her, that was still true. However, it was also true that for the first time in a long time, Clarke allowed herself to hope. To hope that one day she could have a future here, to hope that after all the war she’s faced, burdens placed on her shoulders, peace would not be the thing that breaks her.

She stood up from her bed, grabbed her sketchbook and some charcoal and made her way towards the door. She figured stewing in her thoughts all in her cabins was not the best thing for her at the moment. She was trying to make an effort to get better, if not for herself than for the healing relationships she had and most of all for Madi. Everything that had happened just no was sort of overwhelming and a lot to process so she walked over to the stream in the forest by the edge of the compound to process things. Even before Earth, before praimfaya, before the end of the world, before Sanctum, before everything, drawing had always been her outlet. She sat down carefully on the riverbank with a leg that still wasn’t fully healed and began to draw.

_____________________________________________

Bellamy’s Pov

Octavia’s words were running through Bellamy’s head on repeat like a broken record.

_“I understand you can’t admit it to me right now, after all you probably can’t even admit it to yourself.”_

_“Right now the universe has given you have a chance and who knows how long it will last, use it will you still can.”_

He knew she was right, as much as his head refused to agree with his heart, deep down he still knew she was right. Ever since his first journey to the ground, Clarke Griffin had always been his constant. Even in the very beginning when he was naive and immature and thought her to be nothing more than a spoiled, privileged, princess, she had always been by his side no matter the challenges they faced. Even when she left him after the genocide at Mt. Weather, Clarke had never once left his thoughts. While she sat in a throne with a murderous A.I in her head trying to save the world, all that mattered was his hand in hers, keeping her safe. Through six years without her, the last war on Earth, losing her on a whole new planet, all that ever mattered was Clarke.

Of course he loved his sister immensely, no matter how much she’d changed, and he loved his family, Raven, Echo, Murphy, Emori and Jordan. However, it was a different kind of love he felt for Clarke, something he’d never felt with anyone else, even through the years with Echo. Ever since those first couple months on the ground, when he’d realized how deeply he’d come to care about her, there was one thing he’d never allow himself to do.

Everyday, they were constantly surrounded by war, death and loss and it was too dangerous to ever allow himself to hope but praimfaya, that was supposed to be his chance. He let himself soften and open up with her in their last few moments together because he thought that they’d have five years of peace together or at least die together trying. They were supposed to have _time,_ a commodity they never could seem to afford, but the world was unfair like always and ripped her away from him. He was forced to suffer everyday with the knowledge that he left Clarke, _his person_ , to die all alone on an empty planet. It was too difficult to allow himself to think about what could’ve been, who they could’ve been _together,_ so he’d never allow himself to ponder those painful thoughts.

Finding out she was alive felt like finally being able to breathe again after so many years of gasping for air. Yet of course, it only took mere moments of peace together for everything to go to hell. They were fighting another war, facing death everyday and then came the betrayals. They both did some bad things, some of which Bellamy would never forgive himself for, however forgiveness was always their thing. Then the world ended for the third time.

Losing Monty and Harper like that was hard but no matter how rocky their relationship was, like always, they faced it together. After the red sun, he let himself hope. He wouldn’t dare hope for a future with him and Clarke together but he let himself hope that their relationship would heal, that she could be a big part in his life again because truth be told, he wasn’t sure he could survive again any other way. Then he lost her again. The second he let himself have a little hope for them, he lost her all over again.

Everything that’s happened since has had him living on edge, more so than usual and then when he finally found her in that cave, pressing a gun to her head and about to go through with it, that broke him inside. He just couldn’t fathom the fact the Clarke Griffin, the strongest woman, no the strongest person he knew, was in so much pain deep down. Of course they both have had their fair share of burdens to carry which took heavy tolls on them but he never would’ve imagined just how broken she was. He supposed that was part of the problem, he was part of the problem. Everyone always assumed she was so strong but after losing her mother so recently, Bellamy pulling away from her, the rest of their friends abandoning her and being left with only an argumentative teenager for company, it was all too much for her.

It wasn’t only about the fact that she tried to give up though, that in a way, he could understand as he’d had his fair share of not so pretty thoughts along the way. No, it was more than that, specifically it was some she said while she pressed the gun to her head and then again a day later.

_“Don’t you get it Bell? I’m doing this for you, for Madi, for all our people!”_

Her broken words rang out in his head.

_“I was too weak to do what needed to be done and so I need you to just stay away and take Madi with you please.”_

The same words she echoed not even a full day later.

See that was the problem for him. What was really bothering him that she thought there was any universe in which he would be better off, no forget better off, in which he would even be okay without her. Not only him but she truly believed that Madi and the rest of their people would be anywhere without her in their lives. She thought if she just took herself out of the equation they’d all move on, be safe, be happy. That was what really struck a nerve in him.

As Bellamy marched angrily to no where in particular, just away from Octavia and her truths which he still couldn’t fully admit to himself, he let all of these thoughts circle chaotically in his head. He was walking near the edge of the compound, where the trees they hadn’t cleared thickened into a forest that reminded him eerily of the dropship days. The nostalgia got the better of him as he slipped into the thick forest and took a moment to look around and just breath. He hadn’t really been through to this section of the compound yet seeing as he spent most of his time in head quarters but he had to admit it was beautiful. It also reminded him of Eden, the valley that he’d briefly got to see before playing his part in destroying it, destroying Clarke’s home.

He couldn’t help but feel terribly guilty for that, even though none of it was directly his part he still carried the burden like it was. Bellamy couldn’t help but wonder if they hadn’t destroyed the valley, if they’d done better, maybe Clarke would’ve never started feeling the way she did. Maybe she’d want to survive, maybe she’d have even wanted a life with him one day but like he said, those were the thoughts that were too painful to handle and so he locked them far away with his innermost desires.

He hadn’t meant to stumble upon her but apparently fate had a bad sense of humour. When he heard the rushing water of the stream though, he just couldn’t resist and so he made his way to where the forest opened to the river and that’s when he saw her. She hadn’t noticed him yet and so he took the moment to take a step back and just admire her. Her hair had gotten longer recently, maybe she was growing it out or maybe just didn’t care to cut it. He wouldn’t know seeing as they rarely spoke to begin with let alone about such seemingly menial topics, but it wasn’t menial to him. If it was up to him, Bellamy would know Clarke inside and out, they’d share their deepest secrets and fears and they’d have conversations about things like what they had for breakfast or if she was growing her hair out. That was only wishful thinking though.

The longer hair made her look somewhat younger, more like the dropship days. Sometimes when he’s just get a split second glance at her he almost could’ve believed that the old Clarke had traveled forward in time, the one before everything happened. The key word was almost though, the way her shoulder slumped with the weight of the world on them, the brokenness and sadness in her eyes, that made him sure it was only a trick of the light.

She was currently drawing at the riverside and she looked somewhat at peace, it was a refreshing sight. He’s always known about her drawing but other than a couple sketches he’d never really seen any of it. Maybe it was because she never wanted to share her art with him or maybe it was just that there’s not much time to spend sharing hobbies in the midst of war, but either way, the glimpse that he saw now were beautiful. He knew she had to be kind of good to continue doing it all these years but what she was doing on that paper with just a piece of charcoal looked magical to him, as cheesy as that sounded.

Bellamy didn’t want to keep admiring her from a distance any longer because it felt like it was getting a little invasive. His plan was to turn back the way he came and leave her to her drawings, hopefully give her some much needed time to relax. His plan however had not involved stepping on a twig and snapping it the second he turned around but apparently six years in space and his Earth skills were not as on point as they once were. He silently cursed himself and slowly turned around to face her. Her head had snapped back to face him and she looked sort of confused and in a weird way relieved, if that even was the right way to describe it.

“Bellamy?” She questioned in a soft and somewhat vulnerable voice which was so unlike the Clarke he remembered, _but then again things have changed,_ he had to remind himself. He gave her a tight smile before responding.

“Hey Clarke. Ah, I’m sorry for disturbing you. I was just taking a walk and bumped into you. I was just heading back, didn’t mean to interrupt. You can carry on, I’ll get out of your hair.” He said a little uncertain of himself. Clarke was the one person who could draw that out of him. He used to be so cocky and arrogant but she saw the real him, even when he didn’t want her to.

“I mean if you’re not busy or anything, I could use some company.” She asked with a hopeful smile and how could he ever say no to that. So he nodded and walked out to the river bank towards her taking a seat right at her side. They quickly fell into an easy silence, the only sounds around them were the water’s flow, the sound of him lazily skipping pebbles onto it and the muffled scratches of the charcoal on Clarke’s sketchpad. She’s flipped the page when he joined her and had assumningly started working on a new piece. From his vantage point next to her and the way she tilted towards him slightly, he couldn’t she what it was she was so focused on. What he could she though was that familiar crinkle that formed between her eyebrows when she was focused and he had to say it was nice to see that look on her face in a context other than trying to figuring out how to survive.

He’d been a little zoned out and lost in his thoughts when she reached her small hand up to his chin and gently pushed it to face slightly to the left. He was confused to what was going on but still he let her move his head.

“Sorry I just need the right angle.” She said after a second as if that was supposed to clear things up for him. Then suddenly it hit him and he felt his heart skip a beat.

“Y - You’re drawing me?” He asked cautiously but still keeping his head in place for her. Clarke paused for a moment and looked up to him confused.

“You didn’t know?” She asked as if it should’ve been the most obvious thing in the world which to be clear for Bellamy, it was not. What he wanted to say was, how was I supposed to know, why are you drawing me of all things, can I see it? What he really said was;

“No.” Plain and simple. Clarke gave a short grunt of observation like a small hmph, and then went back to drawing. Bellamy thought that their conversation was over then, but she kept speaking.

“When I used to draw you, you weren’t there. I got the basics of your face but missed some of the details. Now that you’re here I figured I’d get the details right.” She said softly. If Bellamy was surprised before, that was nothing in comparison to her latest casual admission. She used to draw him before, like more than once. He couldn’t understand why on Earth of all the things she could’ve chosen to illustrate with her breathtaking gift, she chose him.

“You used to draw me?” He asked trying not to push the limits or be too invasive but his curiosity still got the better of him. Clarke gave him a little sigh before continuing.

“Back in the valley mostly, after praimfaya.” She said continuing to focus on the paper in front of her. “I drew all of you guys,” she said. He had to admit that stung a bit, for a second there her thought he was special to her but he shouldn’t’ve gotten his hopes up like that. “Mostly to use as visuals when I’d tell Madi the stories of my friends and family but,” she paused her drawing but didn’t look up while she took a shaky breath.

“But?” He asked curiously but felt horrible about it when she lifted her head and he saw the glistening tears building up in her eyes. He turned to face her completely and was about to start apologizing profusely for being so invasive when she started speaking.

“But I also drew you for me.” She said in a quiet voice. “I - I was so scared that I was going to forget your face Bellamy.” She said in a choked whisper and his heart physically ached. “I was so scared that I was gonna forget your voice, and the way you sounded and I was so scared I was gonna forget how it felt to touch you.” She said holding back sobs now while she placed a hand hesitantly on the side of his cheek. “I- I was so scared Bell. I’m so scared.” She said finally breaking down and immediately Bellamy pulled her into his arms. He wanted to take away all of her pain, burdens and anything that made her hurt the way she did but sadly, he couldn’t. Instead he held her tightly tucked into him and just let her collapse and breakdown into him and for now, that was the best he could do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I am so sorry for that huge gap between updates but plz still let me know what you think in a comment. It doesn't have to be long but I can not tell you how much they mean to me, even just a couple words! I hope you enjoyed and I'll get on that next chapter ASAP. For those of you waiting on an update from my other story, it's coming soon I PROMISE!!!


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